Love,
Molly
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Cougar Woods
My parents made this because they are weird. My grandma had an affair with Tiger Woods... Don't believe me!?
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Slam dunk!
I have this pal named Lindsay:
She is hilarious (obviously)... On Nov. 5 2009 she receives a text message from a # she does not recognize... She replies the usual, "Who is this?"... The mystery person (we will call him Dirk Gorin) responds with his name. Lindsay mentions this to her friend, Donny, and he decides to google the name and see what comes up. They find a match! There is a "Dirk Gorin" on several websites. He is a high school Basketball player who just got recruited to a big college team. Lindsay is curious if this is the same person...
She plays along and asked him if he was excited to go to that college. He said yes! Confirmation!!! Lindsay continues to chat with him without telling him he text the wrong number. She discovers that Dirk thinks Lindsay is his pal named Jordan (his college Basketball buddy). This is Jordan (aka Lindsay):
Lindsay speaks in slang and sends him a picture. She says something like, "Hey check out this shorty that's been on my shit lately" and she sends him a picture of ME!!! What!?! hahahaha
This is the photo:
Dirk is impressed and starts asking question about me and college chicks. hahahahahaha Lindsay continues this for over a month. For weeks Dirk thinks he is talking to his friend Jordan... Until tonight!!! Lindsay and I were watching a movie. Afterword she checks her phone and says, "Uh oh I have a voicemail from Dirk Gorin!" We play the voicemail (Wish I knew how to attach it). He says (totally confused) "Lindsay???..." and hangs up. HAHAHAHAHAHA
I really hope he figures it out and thinks: What!!? Some girl with an Alabama accent has been texting me this whole time? Sending me pictures of girls!?!
hahahahaha
Soooo good
I love Lindsay Logan!
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
My family is loco(motive)!
My family is weird... My Dad sent out a Christmas wish list. Check this shit out:
"Hi all,
The Birthday/Christmas Train is quickly approaching so I need to make my list of stuff I want. It would be a good idea to check with Mom first, to avoid duplicates. All Aboard:
(this is wear he lists all of the random things he wants. I edited that part out)
Well, I hear the conductor..."Ladies and gentlemen, in preparation for landing the captain has just turned on the fasten seat belt sign. Please place your tray tables and seat backs in the upright and locked position.."
Whoa! Wrong mode of transportation. Er, uh, no mixed metaphors allowed.
Thanks and love to all,
Dad, Papa, Trey"
The Birthday/Christmas Train is quickly approaching so I need to make my list of stuff I want. It would be a good idea to check with Mom first, to avoid duplicates. All Aboard:
(this is wear he lists all of the random things he wants. I edited that part out)
Well, I hear the conductor..."Ladies and gentlemen, in preparation for landing the captain has just turned on the fasten seat belt sign. Please place your tray tables and seat backs in the upright and locked position.."
Whoa! Wrong mode of transportation. Er, uh, no mixed metaphors allowed.
Thanks and love to all,
Dad, Papa, Trey"
Hahahahaha So strange... I decided to stick with the theme for my list:
"Choo choo! Mom wants me to make a list too so I figured I would hop on Dad's train so we are all on the same track...
(again the list has been removed)
The train is leaving the station... Time to hit the (rail)road.
Xoxo,
Molly"
(again the list has been removed)
The train is leaving the station... Time to hit the (rail)road.
Xoxo,
Molly"
Yeahhhh... Christmas should be interesting this year.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
thanksambiening
Ambien. Let's talk about it. It rules.
Last night on Thanksgiving I sent out this little gem to family and friends:
subject; happy t-day which actually became d-day but the good kind that you want to happen cuz d stands for dahl
"so yeah just load up everything into the kitchen there and i see a bowl of dahl - these letters on this keyboard are squishy and look to be all connected, don't worry about it let's eat. i brought chana masala sooo spicy good with bazmati rice. the letters are pulling left like we're always at perpetual discharge time of some ridiculous train that has nothing to do with any of this. everything is in order. what have you brought? we have wine oh wine, red. sake's alive he's got red. for a moment i'd felt my teeth improve. these damn letters consume each other? the laptop ship is dancing in these waves, it's a bother. i must end now.
love,
ambien
activity one - CHECK
on to two"
activity two? to write a handwritten letter. i've since transcribed this awesome piece of work for your perusal.
"(copied as exactly as possible)
I'd like to preface this ---
I'd like to take the right direction and have it lead me exactly to here. I see no real reason for any worthless prologue -- take it home and ripp it up as you are wont to do -- no reason. Maybe merely to just give greater offenders who know nothing about me at least a little hint as to who I am waist-deep in my love drug. And it won't stop.
I glance up to eye the mistaken giant dead bird -- in my view an entirely too large bottle of red from Chile. I'm dowm. God I'm so high on Ambien that I see the dead giant bird in front of the double-vision stove tops. And this is all in quiet, save for my nephew's haphazardly gashes as would be his art. These sounds usually don't interfere with the immense imagination that occurs.
Oh man I feel asleep once on a grandparents' bed. I'd broken the faucet right off the wall, attemped an ambien shower. The sweetest are all wrapped up in pre-planned packages -- "Oh come over to ours on Saturday, we'll have a party, alcohol, young people will be there come on it'll be great til you can find a bed - YOU JUST NEED SLEEP--"
Instead it should sound straight undeniably comfortable. Get in your jammies to take Ambien.
my original recording (up there) something about warning has left me now. I need more stimulant. I need to be writing as writing's done. (as the thing is happening)
Ambien is definitely an enabler and an easy way to feeling that out of control, for just a night.
all of this is SHIT.
(then along the left-hand side:)
I am high as fuck. The floor moves! Shadows and colors turn inanimate 2-d things to ALIVE things and I have to help them not get caught.
Ambien is the door to crazy awesome land.
(then on the back - incursive - which had been left blank at first)
why left blank?
I really don't know. still so high my thoughts were on a shitty computer game, where I battled word scrambles but meanwhile my peripheral vision informed me I was not alone. These guys were attackers. How could I not have seen them and here they bashing through. No, you stand and poof everything is gonnne. It's imagination for adults with little to no stimulant.
I can't write HIGH WTF
(the end)"
and I'm just gonna leave it at that. I love ambien.
Last night on Thanksgiving I sent out this little gem to family and friends:
subject; happy t-day which actually became d-day but the good kind that you want to happen cuz d stands for dahl
"so yeah just load up everything into the kitchen there and i see a bowl of dahl - these letters on this keyboard are squishy and look to be all connected, don't worry about it let's eat. i brought chana masala sooo spicy good with bazmati rice. the letters are pulling left like we're always at perpetual discharge time of some ridiculous train that has nothing to do with any of this. everything is in order. what have you brought? we have wine oh wine, red. sake's alive he's got red. for a moment i'd felt my teeth improve. these damn letters consume each other? the laptop ship is dancing in these waves, it's a bother. i must end now.
love,
ambien
activity one - CHECK
on to two"
activity two? to write a handwritten letter. i've since transcribed this awesome piece of work for your perusal.
"(copied as exactly as possible)
I'd like to preface this ---
I'd like to take the right direction and have it lead me exactly to here. I see no real reason for any worthless prologue -- take it home and ripp it up as you are wont to do -- no reason. Maybe merely to just give greater offenders who know nothing about me at least a little hint as to who I am waist-deep in my love drug. And it won't stop.
I glance up to eye the mistaken giant dead bird -- in my view an entirely too large bottle of red from Chile. I'm dowm. God I'm so high on Ambien that I see the dead giant bird in front of the double-vision stove tops. And this is all in quiet, save for my nephew's haphazardly gashes as would be his art. These sounds usually don't interfere with the immense imagination that occurs.
Oh man I feel asleep once on a grandparents' bed. I'd broken the faucet right off the wall, attemped an ambien shower. The sweetest are all wrapped up in pre-planned packages -- "Oh come over to ours on Saturday, we'll have a party, alcohol, young people will be there come on it'll be great til you can find a bed - YOU JUST NEED SLEEP--"
Instead it should sound straight undeniably comfortable. Get in your jammies to take Ambien.
my original recording (up there) something about warning has left me now. I need more stimulant. I need to be writing as writing's done. (as the thing is happening)
Ambien is definitely an enabler and an easy way to feeling that out of control, for just a night.
all of this is SHIT.
(then along the left-hand side:)
I am high as fuck. The floor moves! Shadows and colors turn inanimate 2-d things to ALIVE things and I have to help them not get caught.
Ambien is the door to crazy awesome land.
(then on the back - incursive - which had been left blank at first)
why left blank?
I really don't know. still so high my thoughts were on a shitty computer game, where I battled word scrambles but meanwhile my peripheral vision informed me I was not alone. These guys were attackers. How could I not have seen them and here they bashing through. No, you stand and poof everything is gonnne. It's imagination for adults with little to no stimulant.
I can't write HIGH WTF
(the end)"
and I'm just gonna leave it at that. I love ambien.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Stop acting so catty
This is why I prefer dogs... A massive cat with thumbs was trying to cuddle with me...
Before:
After:
I guess it was not cuddling after all... It was hungry and bit my face.
The End
Monday, October 12, 2009
Push, you little asshole
So lately my cats have started being total dicks in the early hours, scratching on my paintings, throwing heavy objects off of high places...this is not new, but they'd been so good for so long that this is really pissing me off again.
The other morning I totally slapped my cat, Bacchus, full on in the face, and it was hard enough that he totally flew off the bed. It was pretty awesome.
This morning, though, he had no reason to be a jerk. He was scratching this painting of my brother-in-law's, and I'd shoot my head up off my pillow every couple seconds to hiss at him and scare him off the nightstand. Over and over and fucking over we did this til finally I got out of bed to chase him. He ran into my closet and I totally blocked the doors shut with my chair.
I found this hilarious this early in the morning, so I watched as he tried to push his way out. First just a little bit of paw, back and forth, in and out, over and over...he didn't understand what was happening. Then my other cat, Dharma, jumped on the chair, further weighing it down, and I was in fits of laughter. Like, seriously, the lack of sleep is making really stupid things hilarious lately.
Dharma eventually bores of trying to snag his paw, and for a minute Bacchus just kept hardly pushing against the chair, paw out, paw in, paw and nose out, back in, two paws out at once, both back...over and over, til finally he kept only getting out as far as his shoulders just to give up and retreat.
Meanwhile, I put on some weird John Hammond voice, you know, the character from Jurassic Park, the guy who started the whole thing...you remember that scene where the baby velociraptor is hatching and Hammond is talking like a fool saying, "Push, come on, come on, that's it, push!"? Yes, well, that's what I was doing, outloud, in my room.
"Push, come on, you little asshole. Push, get out of there, you little fuck. Come on, little asshole."
I don't care if I was verbally abusing Bacchus, I was evening the score. So yes, finally the little moron made it out and jumped back on the bed all purrs and nuzzles and we fell asleep for twenty minutes. IT WAS GOLDEN.
This is my life.
The other morning I totally slapped my cat, Bacchus, full on in the face, and it was hard enough that he totally flew off the bed. It was pretty awesome.
This morning, though, he had no reason to be a jerk. He was scratching this painting of my brother-in-law's, and I'd shoot my head up off my pillow every couple seconds to hiss at him and scare him off the nightstand. Over and over and fucking over we did this til finally I got out of bed to chase him. He ran into my closet and I totally blocked the doors shut with my chair.
I found this hilarious this early in the morning, so I watched as he tried to push his way out. First just a little bit of paw, back and forth, in and out, over and over...he didn't understand what was happening. Then my other cat, Dharma, jumped on the chair, further weighing it down, and I was in fits of laughter. Like, seriously, the lack of sleep is making really stupid things hilarious lately.
Dharma eventually bores of trying to snag his paw, and for a minute Bacchus just kept hardly pushing against the chair, paw out, paw in, paw and nose out, back in, two paws out at once, both back...over and over, til finally he kept only getting out as far as his shoulders just to give up and retreat.
Meanwhile, I put on some weird John Hammond voice, you know, the character from Jurassic Park, the guy who started the whole thing...you remember that scene where the baby velociraptor is hatching and Hammond is talking like a fool saying, "Push, come on, come on, that's it, push!"? Yes, well, that's what I was doing, outloud, in my room.
"Push, come on, you little asshole. Push, get out of there, you little fuck. Come on, little asshole."
I don't care if I was verbally abusing Bacchus, I was evening the score. So yes, finally the little moron made it out and jumped back on the bed all purrs and nuzzles and we fell asleep for twenty minutes. IT WAS GOLDEN.
This is my life.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Blame it on the rain
A lightbulb just appeared over my head... It was a headlight bulb. Here is my idea:
You know how you can buy covers for your cellphone that snap on and protect the device from scratches and such? I think it is time they made those for cars! Just a cover (made to fit the different makes and models of cars, just like they do with different phone brands) that snaps on over the car. It would protect your car from scratches, door dings, the occasional keying of cars, etc. When it's time to sell your car you can unsnap the cover and underneath it is spotless! I realize it wont protect you from accidents but that's not the point.
To make it even cooler, you can buy different color and designs for your cover! So I can drive around in a hot pink car with pineapples on it if I wanted to!!! Genius? Maybe? My imagination is running wild today.
It is raining sooo hard in Atlanta. The streets are flooded and their are people canoeing in the Kroq tunnel! I'm not kidding. It's crazy...
Today at Target I purchased Sharky glow in the dark spiderweb pjs! Check him out:
(I don't know why he looks like he is missing an eye hahaha)
Miss you!
--Molly
P.S. Your costume looks eggcellent
my weekend in two pictures!
Ah, yes. Work on Saturday was fun. Frat boys are terrifyingly gross. Duh.
And shooting guns on Sunday! Guns are terrifyingly powerful. Duh.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Feeling horny and gummy
I would really like a panel on my car steering wheel with different horn options. I was thinking about it the other day... It would be really neat if I had different horn sounds for different scenarios... For instance: Since I was a little girl I always wanted an "uh wooo ga" car horn. My hula instructor told me if I got straight A's in school that year she would purchase me one... I wonder if I can find her now... "uh wooo ga" would be great honk if you are passing a friend on the street and would like to wave hello. Right!?
Anyway, my current car honk is pathetic. It's a beep beep. When someone cuts me off or I need to get over I would very much like my car to sound like a semi-truck: (low pitched) "ERRRRRRRRR". But when I am outside of a pals house to pick them up, wouldn't it be radical if my car did the: "la cucaracha" horn sound. Soooo fun!!!
Perhaps I will look into the cost of such a device.
In other news, I purchased a pack of fruit stripped gum yesterday. It is such a delicious treat for about 1 minute, then it becomes a flavorless nuisance in my mouth... I thought perhaps the temporary tattoos on the gum wrappers would be a redeeming quality. I was wrong in that assumption. I woke up this morning with a blue smudge on my wrist that runs over a vein... It almost appears as my vein is leaking, Not a very high quality tattoo. Thanks, but no thanks Fruit Stripe Gum!
Can't wait 'til you get here!
-Molly
Anyway, my current car honk is pathetic. It's a beep beep. When someone cuts me off or I need to get over I would very much like my car to sound like a semi-truck: (low pitched) "ERRRRRRRRR". But when I am outside of a pals house to pick them up, wouldn't it be radical if my car did the: "la cucaracha" horn sound. Soooo fun!!!
Perhaps I will look into the cost of such a device.
In other news, I purchased a pack of fruit stripped gum yesterday. It is such a delicious treat for about 1 minute, then it becomes a flavorless nuisance in my mouth... I thought perhaps the temporary tattoos on the gum wrappers would be a redeeming quality. I was wrong in that assumption. I woke up this morning with a blue smudge on my wrist that runs over a vein... It almost appears as my vein is leaking, Not a very high quality tattoo. Thanks, but no thanks Fruit Stripe Gum!
Can't wait 'til you get here!
-Molly
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
soon to be east-coastin'
How inactive have we been! I'm coming to Georgia soon on tour. There we shall be merry. The merriment will be plentiful and shared by all. I wish we could wear togas or at least very comfortable robes.
The word robes is looking wrong.
I had a prophetic dream and so I stopped drinking a week ago. No way I'm gonna die.
I haven't really interacted with people lately in order to have any wild and crazy stories of misunderstandings or near-brawls or love affairs. Kinda weak.
I am, however, attending a wedding with a man who was my short-lived boyfriend 10 years ago. Maybe we can have a misunderstanding, fight about it, and make out.
In other news I'm really close to selling a kidney.
The word robes is looking wrong.
I had a prophetic dream and so I stopped drinking a week ago. No way I'm gonna die.
I haven't really interacted with people lately in order to have any wild and crazy stories of misunderstandings or near-brawls or love affairs. Kinda weak.
I am, however, attending a wedding with a man who was my short-lived boyfriend 10 years ago. Maybe we can have a misunderstanding, fight about it, and make out.
In other news I'm really close to selling a kidney.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
but i'm a gemini and can't make up my mind
My mom just wrote me an e-mail from India saying that she spoke with a vedic astrologist who has been doing readings for 45 years. She asked him about my happiness.
Apparently I am going to meet someone who is going to take care of me between December 2009 and January 2011. Um, could you narrow it down, Mr. Vedic Astrologist?
Anyway how silly is that?
Apparently I am going to meet someone who is going to take care of me between December 2009 and January 2011. Um, could you narrow it down, Mr. Vedic Astrologist?
Anyway how silly is that?
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
California, here I come... Right back where I started from
Well I am already here and it is my last night in this lovely state. Recap of my California adventure thus far:
Aug. 21 Spent 10 hours at the airport and FINALLY got on a flight to San Diego... I love buddy passes, but flying stand by on a weekend is a gamble. We went to Sonic and tried to convince the waiter to fall down on his skates so we could video it... He said he was falling for us but not for our camera... Haha Bummer.
Aug. 22 Warped Tour in Chula Vista was a blast, although I only made it til about 10pm before taking a party nap (jet lag)... Woke up at midnight and everybody was wasteddd! Some nice boys in Every Avenue and Valencia let us have a bunk for the night... We built forts and Jen drew on boys faces while they were sleeping.
Aug. 23 Woke up in Los Angeles and got ready in the galaxy locker room. Meagan
picked us up in her freshly banged up Lexus that made scraping noises when she drove it around and had a broken speedometer... We went to get some food and spent a lovely day as bffs at the Warped. Went to the after party at Box 8... Sunburns and parking lot wardrobe changes... Photos can be found here: www.relivelastnight.com (under Aug. 23 Box 8 Miley party or some shit like that)
Aug. 24 Hang time with the Torrence fam. Raviolis and other Italian goodies thanks to Grandma. Scooter the dog was an instant favorite among Jen and Meagan... We shopped for a bridesmaid dress for my sister's wedding, no luck unfortunately... In the evening we headed over to Cinespace for yet another Warped after party. We hung with my favorite jew, Coby Linder and some other awesome old pals. Meagan's favorite Asian photographer was there... What!?
So yeah... Summary of my trip. Plans for tonight!? Not sure... High hopes for the beach.
Feel free to write mean comments, they make me giggle.
xoxo
Aug. 21 Spent 10 hours at the airport and FINALLY got on a flight to San Diego... I love buddy passes, but flying stand by on a weekend is a gamble. We went to Sonic and tried to convince the waiter to fall down on his skates so we could video it... He said he was falling for us but not for our camera... Haha Bummer.
Aug. 22 Warped Tour in Chula Vista was a blast, although I only made it til about 10pm before taking a party nap (jet lag)... Woke up at midnight and everybody was wasteddd! Some nice boys in Every Avenue and Valencia let us have a bunk for the night... We built forts and Jen drew on boys faces while they were sleeping.
Aug. 23 Woke up in Los Angeles and got ready in the galaxy locker room. Meagan
picked us up in her freshly banged up Lexus that made scraping noises when she drove it around and had a broken speedometer... We went to get some food and spent a lovely day as bffs at the Warped. Went to the after party at Box 8... Sunburns and parking lot wardrobe changes... Photos can be found here: www.relivelastnight.com (under Aug. 23 Box 8 Miley party or some shit like that)
Aug. 24 Hang time with the Torrence fam. Raviolis and other Italian goodies thanks to Grandma. Scooter the dog was an instant favorite among Jen and Meagan... We shopped for a bridesmaid dress for my sister's wedding, no luck unfortunately... In the evening we headed over to Cinespace for yet another Warped after party. We hung with my favorite jew, Coby Linder and some other awesome old pals. Meagan's favorite Asian photographer was there... What!?
So yeah... Summary of my trip. Plans for tonight!? Not sure... High hopes for the beach.
Feel free to write mean comments, they make me giggle.
xoxo
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
The rabbit was a cool hare!
Dearest Meagan,
I will be seeing you in 4 days! Can you believe it????? Ahhh! We need a photo sesh so we can get some good pics of us for our bloggity profile... I am writing this as my hair cools off in between round 1 and 2 of straightening it. My face is in a den of heat... huh?! Anywaysss... I can't wait for you to meet my pal Jen, the 3 of us are sure to get into heaps of trouble! Get the bloody mary ingredients ready!!!
We should t.p. my house in Huntington Beach! hahahaha Wouldn't that be hilarious!?? I wonder if that would get me into trouble in divorce court.... Hmmmm ok scratch that for now...
Ummm ok my hair is cool... I will just text you instead.
Molly
I will be seeing you in 4 days! Can you believe it????? Ahhh! We need a photo sesh so we can get some good pics of us for our bloggity profile... I am writing this as my hair cools off in between round 1 and 2 of straightening it. My face is in a den of heat... huh?! Anywaysss... I can't wait for you to meet my pal Jen, the 3 of us are sure to get into heaps of trouble! Get the bloody mary ingredients ready!!!
We should t.p. my house in Huntington Beach! hahahaha Wouldn't that be hilarious!?? I wonder if that would get me into trouble in divorce court.... Hmmmm ok scratch that for now...
Ummm ok my hair is cool... I will just text you instead.
Molly
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Draught Drought
WHOA. It has been almost three weeks since a post came alive on these pages. What.
Screw this economy. Also screw chocolate chip cookies. I made some dank ass cookies from scratch yesterday, substituting all kinds of ingredients for ones I didn't have - yeah, I know, I didn't even have regular white fucking sugar, so I did it up with confectioner's sugar, and I didn't have shortening OR veggie oil so I used hahaha peanut oil and a bit of butter - and you know what? Fucking dank ass. HOWEVER, they did not cheer me up and make me forget the economy and the fact that I have no job, so fuck 'em.
MOLLY! You're coming here in a few days and I can't fucking wait. I'll save you a cookie.
ps. i meant to spell it "draught" because i haven't had a beer in ages
Screw this economy. Also screw chocolate chip cookies. I made some dank ass cookies from scratch yesterday, substituting all kinds of ingredients for ones I didn't have - yeah, I know, I didn't even have regular white fucking sugar, so I did it up with confectioner's sugar, and I didn't have shortening OR veggie oil so I used hahaha peanut oil and a bit of butter - and you know what? Fucking dank ass. HOWEVER, they did not cheer me up and make me forget the economy and the fact that I have no job, so fuck 'em.
MOLLY! You're coming here in a few days and I can't fucking wait. I'll save you a cookie.
ps. i meant to spell it "draught" because i haven't had a beer in ages
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Save the drama for your... Tranny?
(Meagan, I had some drama that was silly enough to blog... Why silly? Cause it involved me cat fighting with a transvestite named Jeffree Star)
Where should I (Jeffree) STARt? Rewind 2 years... I'm at Warped Tour (Ventura?) with a few of my pals... It is the end of the evening and we are headed to the car... We happen to pass Martin from Boys Like Girls chatting it up with Jeffree Star. I call out to Martin... Jeffree turns around and with his manly scowl says, "Why are you alive???" A very intoxicated young lady (me) replies, "I'm alive to kick your ass, BITCH!". That was it! Then we walked away...
I believe it was the same summer... Warped in San Diego that I ran into this lovely he/she again... We were standing on the stage for Boys Like Girls (yeah it's a mutual friend thing... Not my fav band or anything haha) and Jeffree was also on the stage... (Apparently texting the sound guy) Before the band goes on, the sound man says over the speakers: "Those girls behind the drums are eyesores and should sit down"... But it was my friends and I by the drums!? I see Jeffree pointing, laughing, and waving... I thought it was pretty silly... Why was this pink haired man picking a fight with me???
Fast foward a year (in that year I did see him at a party or two but he would always just sigh, fuss, and leave)... Warped last summer... Now Jeffree had made a fake music career and was actually on the Warped Tour (for like a weekend) and my husband (at the time) also happened to be on that tour... I ran across Ms. Star at his booth while I was walking through the show... He decided to pull down his shirt and show me his (lack of) tits and stick his tongue out at me... I laughed at him and continued walking... The next day he was lurking by our bus with his friends, leaning on our trailer chatting... So I called out one of our crew guys and had him tell Jeffree to move. My bus, my home, get the fuck away... Well he was not stoked on that. Bitch doesn't like being told what to do.
Now hop over to the present... Jeffree managed to make it onto Warped again with his ridiculous attempt at a music career. I now have black hair instead of the super blonde that I've had my whole life... Didn't even think he would recognize me. So yes, I got too drunk, I admit it... Drunk Molly thought it was a good idea to PDA it with a boy on the tour (who shall remain nameless). Not the best decision... but definitely a fun one! Well word got around quick! Jeffree marches up to me at the end of the night and says "Come here I need to talk to you"... He is with some blue hair drama queen named Daniel Hilton:
Ummm huh??? Jeffree (sidekick in toe) pulls me aside and asks me if the (nameless) boy had a "big dick". Me: "Ummm I'm not telling YOU that!" JS:"C'mon" Me:"I don't feel comfortable sharing that with you" JS:"Whatever, Whore!" (he totally has a crush on nameless boy. WEIRD!) Then he starts chatting with my friends and I think that is when he realized I was the same girl he was feuding with years before. That evening my friends Jen and Lindsay happen to make friends with J. Star's band and crew... Nice bunch of kids.
Last night: Jeffree has a few days off in Atlanta to rehearse for his headlining tour... His back up band comes out and meets us at a bar (The Local) in Atlanta. (They have a band of their own, check out: http://www.myspace.com/itboysmusic). Drinks, chatting, fun. 6 girls, 4 boys... The bar is ready to close so they invite us to their bus. We get to the bus and the sidekick moocher Daniel is on the bus. He starts texting frantically... (I assume to Jeffree letting him know of our arrival). 15 minutes of bus chatting and the lights start flickering and one of the nice boys says, "Uhhh we have to go". We get off the bus and I ask, "Is it because of me?" He replies, "Honestly? Yes." I guess Jeffree was texting him, "Not cool man... Why did you bring that whore on the bus?" Sooooo all 10 of us decide to take over the hotel room instead. 45 minutes later... Knock knock on the door... One of the boys goes to answer it but the person outside is covering the peep hole so he says, "fuck that" and sits down again... a minute later, more knocking and pounding on the door... A different dude gets up to answer it. It's Jeffree and blue clues hair. They strut in the room. His sidekick points at me and says: "Ummm you need to leave". They proceed to call me a whore and a cunt... Lovely. Everyone in the room is stunned. This isn't even JS's room. It's the band's room (but since JS pays for it I guess he decided to pull rank). Daniel starts pointint at the girls, "Umm you're sweet, you're sweet, you're sweet... You can all stay but SHE has to leave". I'm just like over it and ready to go home anyway. So I get up. We start collecting the girls to leave. Jeffree says, "Are you going to punch me? Huh? Like you said". (never said that) I'm like "Who did I say that to?" He replies "Daniel" I didn't even talk to blue hair. WTF!? No, I don't fight MEN, sorry! Then Jeffree starts saying that I've been talking shit on him for years and I can't hide behind my ex anymore. I am 5 foot 2! I am not going to fight this man. By the way he had no make up on a looked like a fucking alien! Soooo I'm in the hallway, Jeffree picks up a drink and throws it at/on me and actually runs away down the hall. I just stood in shock. Did that really happen? How am I in a fight with this myspace famous drag queen???
Anywayyyyy you get it... Shit like this happens in my real life sometimes... Fucking strange
Where should I (Jeffree) STARt? Rewind 2 years... I'm at Warped Tour (Ventura?) with a few of my pals... It is the end of the evening and we are headed to the car... We happen to pass Martin from Boys Like Girls chatting it up with Jeffree Star. I call out to Martin... Jeffree turns around and with his manly scowl says, "Why are you alive???" A very intoxicated young lady (me) replies, "I'm alive to kick your ass, BITCH!". That was it! Then we walked away...
I believe it was the same summer... Warped in San Diego that I ran into this lovely he/she again... We were standing on the stage for Boys Like Girls (yeah it's a mutual friend thing... Not my fav band or anything haha) and Jeffree was also on the stage... (Apparently texting the sound guy) Before the band goes on, the sound man says over the speakers: "Those girls behind the drums are eyesores and should sit down"... But it was my friends and I by the drums!? I see Jeffree pointing, laughing, and waving... I thought it was pretty silly... Why was this pink haired man picking a fight with me???
Fast foward a year (in that year I did see him at a party or two but he would always just sigh, fuss, and leave)... Warped last summer... Now Jeffree had made a fake music career and was actually on the Warped Tour (for like a weekend) and my husband (at the time) also happened to be on that tour... I ran across Ms. Star at his booth while I was walking through the show... He decided to pull down his shirt and show me his (lack of) tits and stick his tongue out at me... I laughed at him and continued walking... The next day he was lurking by our bus with his friends, leaning on our trailer chatting... So I called out one of our crew guys and had him tell Jeffree to move. My bus, my home, get the fuck away... Well he was not stoked on that. Bitch doesn't like being told what to do.
Now hop over to the present... Jeffree managed to make it onto Warped again with his ridiculous attempt at a music career. I now have black hair instead of the super blonde that I've had my whole life... Didn't even think he would recognize me. So yes, I got too drunk, I admit it... Drunk Molly thought it was a good idea to PDA it with a boy on the tour (who shall remain nameless). Not the best decision... but definitely a fun one! Well word got around quick! Jeffree marches up to me at the end of the night and says "Come here I need to talk to you"... He is with some blue hair drama queen named Daniel Hilton:
Ummm huh??? Jeffree (sidekick in toe) pulls me aside and asks me if the (nameless) boy had a "big dick". Me: "Ummm I'm not telling YOU that!" JS:"C'mon" Me:"I don't feel comfortable sharing that with you" JS:"Whatever, Whore!" (he totally has a crush on nameless boy. WEIRD!) Then he starts chatting with my friends and I think that is when he realized I was the same girl he was feuding with years before. That evening my friends Jen and Lindsay happen to make friends with J. Star's band and crew... Nice bunch of kids.
Last night: Jeffree has a few days off in Atlanta to rehearse for his headlining tour... His back up band comes out and meets us at a bar (The Local) in Atlanta. (They have a band of their own, check out: http://www.myspace.com/itboysmusic). Drinks, chatting, fun. 6 girls, 4 boys... The bar is ready to close so they invite us to their bus. We get to the bus and the sidekick moocher Daniel is on the bus. He starts texting frantically... (I assume to Jeffree letting him know of our arrival). 15 minutes of bus chatting and the lights start flickering and one of the nice boys says, "Uhhh we have to go". We get off the bus and I ask, "Is it because of me?" He replies, "Honestly? Yes." I guess Jeffree was texting him, "Not cool man... Why did you bring that whore on the bus?" Sooooo all 10 of us decide to take over the hotel room instead. 45 minutes later... Knock knock on the door... One of the boys goes to answer it but the person outside is covering the peep hole so he says, "fuck that" and sits down again... a minute later, more knocking and pounding on the door... A different dude gets up to answer it. It's Jeffree and blue clues hair. They strut in the room. His sidekick points at me and says: "Ummm you need to leave". They proceed to call me a whore and a cunt... Lovely. Everyone in the room is stunned. This isn't even JS's room. It's the band's room (but since JS pays for it I guess he decided to pull rank). Daniel starts pointint at the girls, "Umm you're sweet, you're sweet, you're sweet... You can all stay but SHE has to leave". I'm just like over it and ready to go home anyway. So I get up. We start collecting the girls to leave. Jeffree says, "Are you going to punch me? Huh? Like you said". (never said that) I'm like "Who did I say that to?" He replies "Daniel" I didn't even talk to blue hair. WTF!? No, I don't fight MEN, sorry! Then Jeffree starts saying that I've been talking shit on him for years and I can't hide behind my ex anymore. I am 5 foot 2! I am not going to fight this man. By the way he had no make up on a looked like a fucking alien! Soooo I'm in the hallway, Jeffree picks up a drink and throws it at/on me and actually runs away down the hall. I just stood in shock. Did that really happen? How am I in a fight with this myspace famous drag queen???
Anywayyyyy you get it... Shit like this happens in my real life sometimes... Fucking strange
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Mass sexting-Just say no(thing)
I went to dinner with my ladies tonight and we discussed the usual things: music, boys, work, etc... I brought up that last time I was single, back in 2002 (yikes), it was before things like Myspace, Facebook, and Twitter were popular. In fact, text messaging hadn't fully caught on yet. It is quite a shock to be single in 2009. I have realized that some boys are prone to send inappropriate text messages late at night... things that they would never say in person or over the phone. It's frustrating (and usually the result of being over served alcoholic beverages). I am also aware that sometimes I am not the only person that individual is choosing to text at the moment. It's like: let's send out texts to five different girls at 2am and see which one takes the bait. Aren't we smarter than that ladies!?
I would like to point out that it is hard to determine the tone of a message when it is typed out. It is easy to misconstrue things... Wouldn't it be so much simpler to pick up the phone??? I've had texts fights that lasted hours when they would have been a 5 minute phone call.
So I urge all of my single ladies (now put your hands up) to boycott the text. It's ok to text a girlfriend or a brotherly type of male friend... But all other text will be replied with a call... If the text does not show me the proper respect I deserve then you shall receive no reply at all. I hope this will solve my dating dilemma. Of course, as always, I will keep you updated.
ps. I deleted my emo post... It just wasn't me.
--Molly
I would like to point out that it is hard to determine the tone of a message when it is typed out. It is easy to misconstrue things... Wouldn't it be so much simpler to pick up the phone??? I've had texts fights that lasted hours when they would have been a 5 minute phone call.
So I urge all of my single ladies (now put your hands up) to boycott the text. It's ok to text a girlfriend or a brotherly type of male friend... But all other text will be replied with a call... If the text does not show me the proper respect I deserve then you shall receive no reply at all. I hope this will solve my dating dilemma. Of course, as always, I will keep you updated.
ps. I deleted my emo post... It just wasn't me.
--Molly
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Hooping to get good at frisbee-dazling
I'm not gonna lie... I just glued star shaped rhinestones in the form of my name on my bar key (beer popper) for work tomorrow... First instructions on the Dazzle Tac glue: "Use in a well ventilated area"... Woops! That leads me to this post...
Felling funny...
So I have become obsessed with hula hooping... It is the best ass and ab workout EVER! I took a trip to Target with my pal Paige today so she could purchase a hoop and we impulsively bought a frisbee.... We went to the park and had so much fun laughing and being idiots... We decided we are going to do it every Thursday this summer... We want to get really good and then get into disc golf. Why would we want to do that?! I have no idea! We just thought it would be the most hilarious/random thing ever! Like "Sorry dudes I can't hang out, gotta practice frisbee"... or "Gotta wake up early so I can get some disc golf in tomorrow"... What!? We are currently deciding on outfits and a theme song... No big deal.
We also thought about buying a dozen glazed Krispy Kreme doughnuts, driving around, and throwing them at people... Not to be mean! Not like normal people, but perhaps dudes that ride in the back of pick up trucks and shit. It would almost be a treat for them... I mean, free doughnuts right!? We didn't do it... Couldn't decide if it was too fucked up to be funny...
Wow I feel like laying down now...
--Molly
Felling funny...
So I have become obsessed with hula hooping... It is the best ass and ab workout EVER! I took a trip to Target with my pal Paige today so she could purchase a hoop and we impulsively bought a frisbee.... We went to the park and had so much fun laughing and being idiots... We decided we are going to do it every Thursday this summer... We want to get really good and then get into disc golf. Why would we want to do that?! I have no idea! We just thought it would be the most hilarious/random thing ever! Like "Sorry dudes I can't hang out, gotta practice frisbee"... or "Gotta wake up early so I can get some disc golf in tomorrow"... What!? We are currently deciding on outfits and a theme song... No big deal.
We also thought about buying a dozen glazed Krispy Kreme doughnuts, driving around, and throwing them at people... Not to be mean! Not like normal people, but perhaps dudes that ride in the back of pick up trucks and shit. It would almost be a treat for them... I mean, free doughnuts right!? We didn't do it... Couldn't decide if it was too fucked up to be funny...
Wow I feel like laying down now...
--Molly
punch-drunk love
Right?
Your emo-post makes me sad. There is no advising I can do - I suck more at loveliving than you do, most definitely. I have no idea what on Earth I am doing. I think mostly I am just screwed. Screwed screwed screwed.
But I am more totally sad than anything that I probably won't be able to post while I am in Europe! I won't even get to read your hilarious posts! Eek!
I need a nap.
Your emo-post makes me sad. There is no advising I can do - I suck more at loveliving than you do, most definitely. I have no idea what on Earth I am doing. I think mostly I am just screwed. Screwed screwed screwed.
But I am more totally sad than anything that I probably won't be able to post while I am in Europe! I won't even get to read your hilarious posts! Eek!
I need a nap.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
GREAT SCOTT
I actually had a bit of trouble in the blog title tonight, because I always thought it was Scott, like the name, but in typing it, suddenly thought, WHAT IF it's the NATION? And Doc Brown is a fan of Scotland? Did you ever think of that? Probably not.
And here's why: cuz you're not drinking a Bloody Maria. I've heard of this mystical variation of one of my favorite drinks ever (seriously, give me a cat and a Bloody Mary and I'm happy), and I've finally given it a try tonight because:
a) all I have are 3 bottles of nice tequila, no vodka
b) I lost my job and have zero dollars for spending on booze, like refill-vodka
c) I have everything else for bloody whatevers
So there you have it. And let me teach you something now. DID YOU KNOW that tequila takes away the kick of tabasco AND vice versa? They take away each others' kicks - isn't that insane when you think about them? Or is that just me?! I mean, tabasco - OUCH - tequila - OH GOD - and together it's like LE SIGH AMAZING.
So needless to say I enjoy it.
In other news, not having a job or gas or anything to do has led to exercise again. Uh oh.
And here's why: cuz you're not drinking a Bloody Maria. I've heard of this mystical variation of one of my favorite drinks ever (seriously, give me a cat and a Bloody Mary and I'm happy), and I've finally given it a try tonight because:
a) all I have are 3 bottles of nice tequila, no vodka
b) I lost my job and have zero dollars for spending on booze, like refill-vodka
c) I have everything else for bloody whatevers
So there you have it. And let me teach you something now. DID YOU KNOW that tequila takes away the kick of tabasco AND vice versa? They take away each others' kicks - isn't that insane when you think about them? Or is that just me?! I mean, tabasco - OUCH - tequila - OH GOD - and together it's like LE SIGH AMAZING.
So needless to say I enjoy it.
In other news, not having a job or gas or anything to do has led to exercise again. Uh oh.
Friday, June 19, 2009
1, 2, cha cha cha 3, 4, cha cha cha
Tyra Banks was a good model... But she is KILLING me as a talk show host!!! I am sucked in because it is so terrible... It's like you want to look away but you just can't... Who is actually watching this for pleasure??? It is shocking...
Sorry I had to vent that out...
So I am legally divorced today! I text the ex-husband about and asked if he was as excited as I am that we are officially divorced... and his response was: "We are? How does that work? Do I get papers or something?" hahahahaha How can you be THAT clueless???
Hey Meagan! Were you there the day we were asking Cha Cha for Marijuana jokes?! Man that was funny...
(Cha Cha is this free service, when you are too lazy to look something up you text: Chacha or 242242 and ask anything and they will text you the answer... You can even ask opinions... it's fun!)
I just asked Cha Cha: Is Meagan Christy-Towne awesome?
They replied: "ChaCha Crystal Ball says: Yes-definitely"
Good answer!
Ok... there is a McDonald's in Atlanta that has it's own crossing guard... If you want to turn into the parking lot a lady in a florescent vest will walk into this major street and stop EVERYONE, so that you can turn... I feel like that is embarrassing... I also think that it would be better to have that at whole foods or something... It's like you are a road v.i.p. if you want McDonald's... soooo bizarre
This post isn't as funny as I would like it to be... so I shall end it now...
PS. I miss you more than ever!
Sunday, June 14, 2009
why are sisters so funny?!
My sister, Amanda, is in NY for a little scholarly work and here is an excerpt from an e-mail I got from her.
"The whole academia thing is like a fried snickers bar. It is repulsive and I want it because who knows, maybe it is totally incredible, and then I kinda feel like I am betraying myself by wanting it, and then actually, I don't really want it. I want a salad. But not a $20 salad!! What the hell is going on with NY?"
She is just as funny to me as Molly. I LOVE ME THE FUNNY LADIES.
"The whole academia thing is like a fried snickers bar. It is repulsive and I want it because who knows, maybe it is totally incredible, and then I kinda feel like I am betraying myself by wanting it, and then actually, I don't really want it. I want a salad. But not a $20 salad!! What the hell is going on with NY?"
She is just as funny to me as Molly. I LOVE ME THE FUNNY LADIES.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Is your refrigerator runing*!?
Meagan-
I can't sleep... So I thought I would tell ya about a practical joke I pulled on my mom 2 days ago... So... I received the following e-mail:
Hey Molls,
Do me a HUGE funny favor. Send mom a text message and say something about running but spell it with one 'n'. Something like... MOM! The toilet at my house stopped runing. How do I get more water in the tank? Or something like that.
Aunt Linda has a note on the toilet in the cabin that says "Please make sure the water isn't runing" and we all keep joking about it. If you spell it wrong it will be hysterical.
(From my sister Kim)
I saw this e-mail at 2am but I decided to text my mom anyway... She is currently vacationing in Idaho and it was only 11pm there... Still too late for a mom text haha. We had the following text conversation:
Me: I need to stop runing!!! My shins are killing me...
Mom: Its hard on your joints too. Why are you up so late?
(hmmm first attempt failed)
Me: Just got off work... Runing late
Mom: Are you outside running?
(2nd failed attempt)
Me: No! Not runing
Mom: Good. I'm at Andrea's. I don't want to be rude. Goodnight babe.
(wtf!?)
Me: I'm making a joke!!! I know how to spell running!
No reply...
The following day I get a text AND voicemail from my sister:
Kim: Ha. Your text were amazing. Mom kept talking about it and reading them. It was great.
Apparently my mom thought I was drunk texting her and that's why I was misspelling it. Anyway... made me laugh...
Point of this story: Its fun to play jokes on your mom!!!
I can't sleep... So I thought I would tell ya about a practical joke I pulled on my mom 2 days ago... So... I received the following e-mail:
Hey Molls,
Do me a HUGE funny favor. Send mom a text message and say something about running but spell it with one 'n'. Something like... MOM! The toilet at my house stopped runing. How do I get more water in the tank? Or something like that.
Aunt Linda has a note on the toilet in the cabin that says "Please make sure the water isn't runing" and we all keep joking about it. If you spell it wrong it will be hysterical.
(From my sister Kim)
I saw this e-mail at 2am but I decided to text my mom anyway... She is currently vacationing in Idaho and it was only 11pm there... Still too late for a mom text haha. We had the following text conversation:
Me: I need to stop runing!!! My shins are killing me...
Mom: Its hard on your joints too. Why are you up so late?
(hmmm first attempt failed)
Me: Just got off work... Runing late
Mom: Are you outside running?
(2nd failed attempt)
Me: No! Not runing
Mom: Good. I'm at Andrea's. I don't want to be rude. Goodnight babe.
(wtf!?)
Me: I'm making a joke!!! I know how to spell running!
No reply...
The following day I get a text AND voicemail from my sister:
Kim: Ha. Your text were amazing. Mom kept talking about it and reading them. It was great.
Apparently my mom thought I was drunk texting her and that's why I was misspelling it. Anyway... made me laugh...
Point of this story: Its fun to play jokes on your mom!!!
Thursday, June 4, 2009
So you think you can text?
Speaking of text message hilarity, which, really, is a form of comedy all its own. It's like the only thing where you can be cracking up like crazy one minute, then totally silent for five minutes and live your life as normal (pay for groceries, continue in another completely unrelated conversation, talk to a blind guy) as you wait for the next response and then you die again. It's like the perfect way to augment fun times. It's tantric humor.
Anyway, speaking of...
Manda: We are watching Melissa [old friend] on TV!!! So you think you can dance is such a good show!
Me: So does she think she can dance?
Manda: I'm gonna be on does your mom think you can dance? everybody wins!!!
Manda: What if the show was not about how good you dance but how much you THINK you can dance?
'So you think you can dance?'
'I think so.'
'I mean, really?'
'Well, yeah, I mean, I really think I can dance.'
'I'm sorry, you just are not making us believe you really think you can dance.'
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA
Manda: It's like they just give speeches...convincing arguments about how much they think they can dance
Manda: I SWEAR I THINK I CAN DANCE? how much do you think you think you think you can dance? A LOT.
Meanwhile I was texting the ex-husband about cell phone plans in the afterlife. Ten cents a call to family and designated chosen ones (ie. ex-lovers and people you want to haunt - aren't those the same thing?), and unlimited texts. He asked "who's your provider?"
"Turns out I was wrong, and Jesus has always been my soul provider."
?!?!?!??!
Anyway, speaking of...
Manda: We are watching Melissa [old friend] on TV!!! So you think you can dance is such a good show!
Me: So does she think she can dance?
Manda: I'm gonna be on does your mom think you can dance? everybody wins!!!
Manda: What if the show was not about how good you dance but how much you THINK you can dance?
'So you think you can dance?'
'I think so.'
'I mean, really?'
'Well, yeah, I mean, I really think I can dance.'
'I'm sorry, you just are not making us believe you really think you can dance.'
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA
Manda: It's like they just give speeches...convincing arguments about how much they think they can dance
Manda: I SWEAR I THINK I CAN DANCE? how much do you think you think you think you can dance? A LOT.
Meanwhile I was texting the ex-husband about cell phone plans in the afterlife. Ten cents a call to family and designated chosen ones (ie. ex-lovers and people you want to haunt - aren't those the same thing?), and unlimited texts. He asked "who's your provider?"
"Turns out I was wrong, and Jesus has always been my soul provider."
?!?!?!??!
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Textual Healing
Meagan... sometimes I get random text messages... I went through my texts from just the last 2 days and here are some weirdo examples:
"R u in the detroit network on fb??? My creepy friend nick added u & claims u r! Lol he's weird...watch out"--Katrina
"I kind of want to get into soap operas."--Meagan (hahahahahaha)
"Haha I've been following him for a while. I wish he'd just post hot pix of himself"--Lindsay
"Rawr"--MT
"Gulp"--MT
"Will you come pick me up so i can get my car keys that are still in your place...the pines on scott is the name of the apt complex i think. now that im sober, im totally uncomfortable"--Kim L.
"I think you should get food poisoning tomorrow nite!!"--Lindsay
"Fuck me at the show"--Paige
Here is an oldie but goodie... I will never delete this text:
"What is it, some sleeping pill that gives you mad munchies and makes you get up in the middle of the night to zombie-walk to the kitchen to eat chips?!"--Meagan
Anyway... I might have to start saving weird texts and blogging them weekly... I get some really f-ing strange ones... Just you wait hahaha
I got up to pee and Sharky just stole my seat! I moved to the bed... He wins
P.S. I just found out I moved to the lesbian capitol of the south... Score!
"R u in the detroit network on fb??? My creepy friend nick added u & claims u r! Lol he's weird...watch out"--Katrina
"I kind of want to get into soap operas."--Meagan (hahahahahaha)
"Haha I've been following him for a while. I wish he'd just post hot pix of himself"--Lindsay
"Rawr"--MT
"Gulp"--MT
"Will you come pick me up so i can get my car keys that are still in your place...the pines on scott is the name of the apt complex i think. now that im sober, im totally uncomfortable"--Kim L.
"I think you should get food poisoning tomorrow nite!!"--Lindsay
"Fuck me at the show"--Paige
Here is an oldie but goodie... I will never delete this text:
"What is it, some sleeping pill that gives you mad munchies and makes you get up in the middle of the night to zombie-walk to the kitchen to eat chips?!"--Meagan
Anyway... I might have to start saving weird texts and blogging them weekly... I get some really f-ing strange ones... Just you wait hahaha
I got up to pee and Sharky just stole my seat! I moved to the bed... He wins
P.S. I just found out I moved to the lesbian capitol of the south... Score!
ambien!
I want some!!! Can't you mail me a package of cookies that have a bunch of ambien in them, Molly?!?!
I never sleep and last night the thunder shook the house all night. But here's a horrifying story:
I caught one of my blind man's dogs masturbating last week. She had disappeared like she sometimes does (and I never notice), and when I went into blindo's room to get something, there she was on the bed, violently humping the shit out of a pillow. VIOLENTLY. Her head was slightly tucked under her, and she was thrusting, making these sickening breathing sounds. And it totally smelled like dog sex. Wtf.
I actually stopped dead and just stared, wondering what to do. She didn't notice for a few seconds, and when she did, she was VISIBLY EMBARRASSED. She stopped and didn't know what to do with herself. Now I look at her differently.
I fully caught a dog masturbating. FML.
I never sleep and last night the thunder shook the house all night. But here's a horrifying story:
I caught one of my blind man's dogs masturbating last week. She had disappeared like she sometimes does (and I never notice), and when I went into blindo's room to get something, there she was on the bed, violently humping the shit out of a pillow. VIOLENTLY. Her head was slightly tucked under her, and she was thrusting, making these sickening breathing sounds. And it totally smelled like dog sex. Wtf.
I actually stopped dead and just stared, wondering what to do. She didn't notice for a few seconds, and when she did, she was VISIBLY EMBARRASSED. She stopped and didn't know what to do with herself. Now I look at her differently.
I fully caught a dog masturbating. FML.
Monday, June 1, 2009
On the ball
I woke up at 2am with an amazing idea... an invention of sorts... I want to make a rubber ball cell phone cover... Perhaps designed to look like a baseball!?! Anyway, you snugly fit your cell phone into this rubber chamber then when you are angry and you want to throw your phone... Well you get it... It's a lovely tool for those (like me) with anger management issues... Throwing your phone no longer becomes a $500 mistake... I need one...bad
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
If it Rains (Man) I will have Shark infested waters...
I am sitting in my new place anxious as FUCK! My precious little animal arrives tonight!!! Sharky Percival Barrett will be flying Delta from LAX to ATL and he lands at 9:30 this evening... I am trying to keep busy so that the time goes by faster... The vet said to give him children's Benadryl so that he is calm for the plane ride... My dog is on drugs! Ahhh! Needless to say, I cannot wait another fucking second! This is torture...
Random thought: Who the fuck comes up with the concept for the Vagisil commercials?!? Yeah, great idea... Lets have a lady walking through a park looking all happy and then we will have a narrator dubbed in saying how happy she is to not be itching and burning anymore... Gross!
My pal Paige just messaged me on Blackberry messenger: "I'm at the Dr. to get Gardasil shots and they just tried to give me a pap smear. Wtf!?" Then she added: "I have to pee in a cup and get a pregnancy test before I can get my shot... My pee is going to be vodka and a baby. Jesus Christ" hahahahaha I love my friends...
I think I want to hang out with Tom Kruse... No, not Tom Cruise of Top Gun... Tom Kruse creator of the hoveround... Those chairs look fun... I bet if we got a "Few Good Men" we could have a bad ass race with those mechanical wonder chairs... Lets make that mission possible... haha what am I talking about right now!?
Give blindo a smooch for me!
Random thought: Who the fuck comes up with the concept for the Vagisil commercials?!? Yeah, great idea... Lets have a lady walking through a park looking all happy and then we will have a narrator dubbed in saying how happy she is to not be itching and burning anymore... Gross!
My pal Paige just messaged me on Blackberry messenger: "I'm at the Dr. to get Gardasil shots and they just tried to give me a pap smear. Wtf!?" Then she added: "I have to pee in a cup and get a pregnancy test before I can get my shot... My pee is going to be vodka and a baby. Jesus Christ" hahahahaha I love my friends...
I think I want to hang out with Tom Kruse... No, not Tom Cruise of Top Gun... Tom Kruse creator of the hoveround... Those chairs look fun... I bet if we got a "Few Good Men" we could have a bad ass race with those mechanical wonder chairs... Lets make that mission possible... haha what am I talking about right now!?
Give blindo a smooch for me!
Monday, May 25, 2009
the most action ever...
...that I have gotten in the past eight months has been because my blind guy has forced me to kiss him. Yes. When he gets nostalgic and goopy he wants to hug me goodbye. And sometimes I get that strange feeling that he's going to try and grandpa-kiss me. In an effort to avoid this horribly awkward moment I offer him my cheek, ever so innocently, and dude grabs my fucking face and says "come here" and forces a kiss on my God damn mouth. I am SO SO SO tight-lipped and cringing that he must feel like he is kissing a dead woman. So be it.
Do you know how weird and hard it is for me to try and say to this 81-year-old man that it is terribly inappropriate? I practically throw up wanting to talk about it, because it would making its inappropriate-ness so much more REAL.
I know you already know all this, Molly, since I frantically text you the second it happens, but I wanted to document this horror for posterity, in case he kills me someday cuz I won't kiss him. EW.
God. Damn it.
Do you know how weird and hard it is for me to try and say to this 81-year-old man that it is terribly inappropriate? I practically throw up wanting to talk about it, because it would making its inappropriate-ness so much more REAL.
I know you already know all this, Molly, since I frantically text you the second it happens, but I wanted to document this horror for posterity, in case he kills me someday cuz I won't kiss him. EW.
God. Damn it.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Cat Stevens is precious...
Meagan! I'm drunk right now!!! I keep writing my drunk thoughts in this sparkly notebook that I purchased at walgreens... Drunk thoughts are meant to stay in your drunk mind... Not on paper with a sparkle cover... This will be an interesting read tomorrow... Perhaps I'll call you tomorrow and read it as a bedtime story... My new place has a lot of space... Maybe when you visit I can pitch a tent in the middle and we can pretend that we are camping! Kumbaya and shit... Miss you!
Thursday, May 21, 2009
texting, texting 1, 2, 3
Meagan and my text conversations are usually pretty funny...
Meagan: I am finding myself oddly very attracted to really americanized Asian guys lately
Molly: hahahahahahahahahaha That's the funniest thing I've heard in a while... You may have just gotten me outta my bad mood
Meagan: So far now I've met two who are doctors! and I saw the hottest one ever at the driving range yesterday
Molly: hahahaha. Dude I support it... I mean the small penis thing I have experienced to be true, so check out that situation haha
Meagan: hahahahaha
Hey all you Asian dudes... My pal Meagan needs a date!
Meagan: I am finding myself oddly very attracted to really americanized Asian guys lately
Molly: hahahahahahahahahaha That's the funniest thing I've heard in a while... You may have just gotten me outta my bad mood
Meagan: So far now I've met two who are doctors! and I saw the hottest one ever at the driving range yesterday
Molly: hahahaha. Dude I support it... I mean the small penis thing I have experienced to be true, so check out that situation haha
Meagan: hahahahaha
Hey all you Asian dudes... My pal Meagan needs a date!
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
mexican treats and wagon trails
My blind guy is going apeshit on a bag of chicharrones and when I turn to look at him he is covered all over on his shirt front with crumbs. I am so oddly curious about this act that I watch as he has his eyes closed and slowly attacks each snack, taking tiny bites (yet each crunch with the sound of a million dying chicharrones, it's like an earthquake in here); he is just so happy with his messy-ass blind self. It is pretty disgusting, seriously.
Also, he has me read to him daily the diaries of people who crossed the wagon trails during the 1850s-1860s, during the Gold Rush, and now I know far too much about it and my throat is sore from reading for hours on end.
Come live with me, Molly. Work with my blind man. It's fun!
Also, he has me read to him daily the diaries of people who crossed the wagon trails during the 1850s-1860s, during the Gold Rush, and now I know far too much about it and my throat is sore from reading for hours on end.
Come live with me, Molly. Work with my blind man. It's fun!
Thursday, May 14, 2009
I love the internetz
Hahaha, from superpoop.com, which is my ex-husband's, like, FAVORITE photo/caption site and he's always sending me shit:
clicky
haha it's so true!
i tried just inserting the picture but it's too big and i'm too lazy.
clicky
haha it's so true!
i tried just inserting the picture but it's too big and i'm too lazy.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Paging Dr. Meagan Towne
This is why I love Meagan so much! I hope this reads as well as it sounded on my voicemail. I have transcribed a voicemail message Meagan left me last night. Enjoy:
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Cinco de my my Mayo
I usually do not like celebrating Cinco De Mayo... I like to do my celebrating on Quatro De Mayo, my half birthday... But this year I decided to venture out with Cassy for drinks and a show... Cassy shows up wearing the following:
She said she was dressed like a Mexican. hahaha She went for the rock a billy/Morrissey fan type of Mexican... Not your traditional Cinco De Mayo attire, but Cassy is from Africa so I let it slide... We did the whole drinking margaritas and eating chips and salsa deal... fun fun
Towards the end of the night we got in a fight with some douche at the bar over his dumb white shoes. His pick up line was like, "Hey ladies, I have a question... is it weird that I am wearing white shoes" Cassy was like, "Yeah, you look like you are trying to be black." hahaha What!?! I'm like, "I don't give a fuck about your shoes man..." He kept on and on about these dumb sneakers... I was pretty over it. Then he touched my forehead for some reason... I don't understand why he would touch me when I was making fun of him!? So I said if you touch me again I will make your life hell... Weird thing to say right? Anyway I pretended to spit on his dumb shoes and we left the bar. What is the point of that story?
I have probably consumed 20 mini vegetable crackers while writing this...
Meagan we should video chat because I miss looking at your face! hahaha
Give blindo a glass of wine to cure his whine flu! But don't let him try to kiss you again!!!
Miss you!!!
Blinded by the light
REVVED UP LIKE A DOUCHE
Molly, my blind guy is KILLIN' ME. Straight, no jokes, KILLING. He doesn't understand anything all of a sudden and he thinks he has the swine flu and I kind of wish I had the fucking swine flu to avoid dealing with his babyman-ness all day. Whine whine whine, get me coffee and a cookie, how come no one likes me, whine. Ugh.
Obviously I am a good person.
Molly, my blind guy is KILLIN' ME. Straight, no jokes, KILLING. He doesn't understand anything all of a sudden and he thinks he has the swine flu and I kind of wish I had the fucking swine flu to avoid dealing with his babyman-ness all day. Whine whine whine, get me coffee and a cookie, how come no one likes me, whine. Ugh.
Obviously I am a good person.
Friday, May 1, 2009
this is boring
So. I am totally in the mood for snowy, pretty, steam-engine style Christmas. I'm not terribly into Christmas, been hating on it for two years, but I just saw some nice picture and I totally wanted to be there.
WEIRD. Blindo just got up and left the room to take a phone call - he never does that! Agh! What if he's dying?! Or firing me?! No! UGH!
Things I learned this week:
-I missed smoking weed
-I am not meant to be dating any time soon
Good week!
I need a life. Molly, my parents need to rent out a room in their house. Come live with me! Ha!
WEIRD. Blindo just got up and left the room to take a phone call - he never does that! Agh! What if he's dying?! Or firing me?! No! UGH!
Things I learned this week:
-I missed smoking weed
-I am not meant to be dating any time soon
Good week!
I need a life. Molly, my parents need to rent out a room in their house. Come live with me! Ha!
Monday, April 27, 2009
Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Molly Cassy
Well hello again... I got home yesterday from a crazzzy weekend in Alabama... One of the best weekends I've had in a looong time. I stayed in Oxford, AL at my pal John Byrd's house... We got in Thursday night and we were supposed to go to bed early because we had to be at the track in Talladega to work at Nascar at 6am. That did not happen, we stayed up all night jumping on trampolines and playing basketball... Yes, some alcohol was involved... I am going to buy myself a trampoline, I forgot how much fun it is to jump up and down!
Nascar was interesting... We had to stand in front of a green screen from 7am-4pm in checkered outfits and take pictures with Nascar fans. The pictures were printed and framed and given to the fans on spot and it was freeee! I probably took around 5,000 picture with people this weekend. My cheeks still hurt from smiling, along with my back from arching and my stomach from sucking in... Fun fun fun. I made jokes that we were taking racy photos... Get it? Car racing? haha bad joke
Friday night we went to a Highland Fling themed party at John's neighbors house... John's sister's band The Bridges played in the backyard (they are awesome check em out) and Cassy ate 500 creme puffs. There was a Keg of Stella... so I got pretty intoxicated and some of the adults tried to hook me up with their sons.
That's one of the adults, not one of the sons...
By day 2 at Nascar, Cassy and I were sleep deprived and hung over... That is not good when you have to deal with sweaty red necks all day... That night Dr. Dog, a band that my bff Meagan introduced me to, was playing in Birmingham! They are even better live! I am still amazed... Great fucking band...
Day 3 was exhausting... 3 days of standing on high heels all day definitely takes a toll... Especially when you don't get enough sleep... Cassy was cranky by the last day and it was really funny. I love her. We got off at 1pm on Sunday and drove the 2 hours back to Atlanta.
When I got home my pal Alex and I hung out by the pool, made orange chicken, and then got into onesies... We went to the fancy part of town, Buckhead, to play bingo at a Mexican restaurant. It was pretty funny to play bingo in a onesie... Can't wait til I'm an old lady and I get to do that every day! I won $5 and a free shot... Not bad, I'm pretty good at bingo... what!?
Meagan... THIS is what you are missing! We could be having fun like this together allllll the time! That it why I am posting my story... Perhaps it will persuade you to come live with me this summer...
I miss you!
-Molly
Monday, April 20, 2009
1-800-222-2222
Accidentes!
That's the number you call when you are involved in an accident, speak Spanish, and need an attorney...in Southern California. Easy to remember, no?
So, I didn't call that number after we flippity flopped down a canyon in Utah last Wednesday, no, because I didn't have my phone for a whopping 24 hours. (That's a really long time when your life consists of your phone, i.e. texting and playing virtual Texas Hold 'Em)
I know this: the road went one way, the van went several ways, avoided certain death over the edge, then launched into the v-shaped ditch median, then shot out into on-coming traffic, then tipped over onto the driver's side perpendicular to traffic, shattering glass and dragging along for a solid twenty or so feet. Not too long, but long enough. No one was hurt, aside from a couple gashes in my elbow, which really was nothing. For five out of six people not wearing seatbelts, I'd say we should be punched in the face for that good fortune.
I have run out of Percoset. Sadness. Sutures out this Friday hopefully. Woo! I can get back to waving my arms about maniacally.
At least Isaac The Paramedic was sexy-towne to the max. I was afraid I'd lost you, Molly, for a split second I really didn't know which way it was gonna go. So I say, I love you, and I'm glad I'm not dead.
That's the number you call when you are involved in an accident, speak Spanish, and need an attorney...in Southern California. Easy to remember, no?
So, I didn't call that number after we flippity flopped down a canyon in Utah last Wednesday, no, because I didn't have my phone for a whopping 24 hours. (That's a really long time when your life consists of your phone, i.e. texting and playing virtual Texas Hold 'Em)
I know this: the road went one way, the van went several ways, avoided certain death over the edge, then launched into the v-shaped ditch median, then shot out into on-coming traffic, then tipped over onto the driver's side perpendicular to traffic, shattering glass and dragging along for a solid twenty or so feet. Not too long, but long enough. No one was hurt, aside from a couple gashes in my elbow, which really was nothing. For five out of six people not wearing seatbelts, I'd say we should be punched in the face for that good fortune.
I have run out of Percoset. Sadness. Sutures out this Friday hopefully. Woo! I can get back to waving my arms about maniacally.
At least Isaac The Paramedic was sexy-towne to the max. I was afraid I'd lost you, Molly, for a split second I really didn't know which way it was gonna go. So I say, I love you, and I'm glad I'm not dead.
What a fortunate douche!
So I decided to quit drinking for a couple weeks... Should be fun... right!? No??? Just a little break...
I work in Talladega at Nascar this coming weekend... I am getting paid to wear a checkered dress and take photos with people... My life is weird... I thought I escaped checkers when I left the ska scene hahaha
Oh hey Meagan, you may appreciate this... My pal Alex and I decided to use the word fortunate instead of lucky from now on... Like "hey wanna go back to my place and we can get fortunate?!" Haha it's pretty funny... We also came up with this idea called: follow that douche... We were sitting at a restaurant (Flip burger, sooo fucking good!) and we saw this dude with wrap around sunglasses and a sunburned face who looked like the ultimate douche bag... So I'm like, "I wonder what that guy does in his day... Wouldn't it be funny to just follow him and see where he goes?" Alex said we should make a twitter for it and update as we are following him and upload photos of what he is doing... Stalker/creepy but soooo funny... We could do a different douche every week... What if someone was following you for an afternoon and taking pics and posting it online and everyone could see it??? Ahhhh! I think it could be HUGE (and probably totally illegal). Anyways... That's all I have to report for now... Time to read books and geek out on music... xoxo
Molly
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Brewer-me
Today is a happy day. I get to tour three Ft. Collins breweries with friends. I don't think any additional words are required to exhibit my joy. Good Coloradoan beer prefaced by a thick-ass lunch of some sort. Hot damn.
The boys are asleep, all of them. If you were here, Molly, we would be pranking the shit out of everything they own. Alone, I cannot find the inspiration to do it. Le sigh.
My ride's here! Drunk time o'clock!
Friday, April 10, 2009
Barbara Q.
I am having a BBQ by the pool tomorrow... Only problem... I don't know how to fire up a grill... I bet Meagan would know how to do that. She is good with things like that. I bet she could even fix cars if she really wanted to. That's cool
Thursday, April 2, 2009
You are my sunshine
...which I could really go for now. It is COLD here.
Molly, you are the funniest thing alive. Your business sense is unmatched - buying stock in Ralphs because you buy so many snacks there?! GENIUS!
Okay so the other day, I took a long walk in the Ft. Collins town, and stopped off at this cemetery near our studio. I was just walkin' around, looking down at my phone (texting you), and when I looked up, the most epic sight ever struck me. Directly ahead was a gloriously modest statue, surrounded by headstones of various size and color, but all slightly symmetrical to the statue on all sides, right? And on both sides of a headstone sitting directly in front of the statue, stood two adult deer, both facing outward with their heads upright, erect, and turned in my direction. All of this was backlit by the setting sun, so its light was hitting the fur of the animals, outlining them in gold. It was SO DAMN AWESOME. I wish my camera phone took better pictures because my textual description is just not enough.
I thought the deer were FAKE, cuz they were so erect and still and AWESOME looking. I thought they were a memorial to someone, until after looking back down at my phone and up again, they had turned and started moving away. So I kept walking. A few minutes later, I turned a corner and NINE big deer were all there, grazing, some staring at me, some eating. One started coming my way and I really didn't feel like getting a headbutt to the stomach, so I snapped pictures and left.
IT WAS NEAT.
Snack Attack!!!
There is nothing about California I miss... except MEAGAN! UGH! Last night my pal Lindsay came over and we sat around, drank, and chatted... It reminded me of my hangouts with Meagan... We always had so much fun hanging out on my couch and doing nothing but get fucked up and talk... Maybe a walk to Ralphs for snacks... I bought stock in Ralphs because I bought so many fucking snacks there!!! There is no point to this post... except that I miss Meagan and I love snacks.
-Molly
Sunday, March 29, 2009
"Just in case someone gets anorexic..."
...that's what my mom just said in regards to her decision to keep some pretty, vintage slips that no one fits into.
In less than an hour, I leave for Colorado. My iPod is still being a fucked up little bitch and this beer is tasting crazy whack. Come on, Asahi. Come on, Apple, Inc.
Uggghhh, I need to go spend quality time with the creatures in my house.
~meagan
In less than an hour, I leave for Colorado. My iPod is still being a fucked up little bitch and this beer is tasting crazy whack. Come on, Asahi. Come on, Apple, Inc.
Uggghhh, I need to go spend quality time with the creatures in my house.
~meagan
Friday, March 27, 2009
Fuck yeah, computer!
I have a computer that works today. I am posting! MOLLY! Can you heareth me shouting from the yonder (wez coaz) mountaintops?! Huzzah!
Last night we spoke on the phone for the second time, ever. It lasted twenty minutes, all FILLED TO THE BRIM WITH GLORY and pseudo-matrimony. In but a few days I shall away to the mountains to record. I don't know why I'm on some semi-Shakespearean kick, but I am, indeed, good madam.
I am lounging in cat hair and you, my pretty, are in ATL, STILL. Why insist upon this treachery? Return at once! I shall send a carriage.
~meagan
Last night we spoke on the phone for the second time, ever. It lasted twenty minutes, all FILLED TO THE BRIM WITH GLORY and pseudo-matrimony. In but a few days I shall away to the mountains to record. I don't know why I'm on some semi-Shakespearean kick, but I am, indeed, good madam.
I am lounging in cat hair and you, my pretty, are in ATL, STILL. Why insist upon this treachery? Return at once! I shall send a carriage.
~meagan
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Jingle Jangle
Ohhh Meagan... I must be home sick because I am completely obsessed with writing you this jingle that I have been talking about for months! As soon as it is finished I will call you and sing it on your machine (probably drunk). Tomorrow you will be home from tour and you get to see the blind man, your attack dog that bit me, and the clay sculptures we made on New Years... I bet you are freaked in... Now that you have my new address... I would love another 7 page letter to come in the mail. I still have the one from November. Writing public love blogs to you on the internet is silly. Not as silly as writing you a theme song.
I will shout my love for you from the rooftops!
Molly
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Meag-GONE!!!
Meagan-
It is unfortunate that you are having trouble posting from your phone... I still think you are awesome... I am about to book my flight to California for April 4-7... It's sad that you will be in the mountains recording. When will we ever get to see each other again!?
That is all... I am too depressed that you are away to continue this love letter.
xoxo- (huh?)
Molly
Monday, March 2, 2009
Your nose is the scenter of your face...off
So I watched the movie Face Off yesterday... It blew my mind and face off. I really think Meagan and I need to watch it together sometime. It's much funnier than I remembered. Later that evening, I got dragged to Sharkeez in Newport... I thought I would fuck with the gel haired dudes hanging around the bar. (hair-larious, I know) I went up to randoms and did the hand running down the face thing (In case you haven't enjoyed the movie yet, it's what John Travolta does to his family in Face Off. It's how they know it's him when he has the face of Nick Cage)... I thought Meagan would appreciate it. To my surprise, the dudes loved it. They were like, this chick is touching my face! I guess they let it get to their head. Meagan should make it her pick up tactic on tour... I wonder if it would work on Demetri?
Mental note: Look into polygamy.
I miss your face!
Sunday, March 1, 2009
You + Me = Us
MollsBalls,
I brought my magnificent onesie on tour to sport around the guys...I have yet to wear it.
It just doesn't feel right without you here next to me, getting high, sitting around doing nothing in our onesies, contemplating the completely possible idea that we could both marry Demetri Martin.
Lovingly,
Meagan
I brought my magnificent onesie on tour to sport around the guys...I have yet to wear it.
It just doesn't feel right without you here next to me, getting high, sitting around doing nothing in our onesies, contemplating the completely possible idea that we could both marry Demetri Martin.
Lovingly,
Meagan
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Tha Me-Tree...
Dearest Meagone-
It has been 3 or 4 days since we spent the night together...!?! I don't know when we will be together once again... But I can say that I am freaked IN about it!
Lovey saptastic love-
Molly
Friday, February 27, 2009
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