GREAT SCOTT

I actually had a bit of trouble in the blog title tonight, because I always thought it was Scott, like the name, but in typing it, suddenly thought, WHAT IF it's the NATION? And Doc Brown is a fan of Scotland? Did you ever think of that? Probably not.

And here's why: cuz you're not drinking a Bloody Maria. I've heard of this mystical variation of one of my favorite drinks ever (seriously, give me a cat and a Bloody Mary and I'm happy), and I've finally given it a try tonight because:

a) all I have are 3 bottles of nice tequila, no vodka
b) I lost my job and have zero dollars for spending on booze, like refill-vodka
c) I have everything else for bloody whatevers

So there you have it. And let me teach you something now. DID YOU KNOW that tequila takes away the kick of tabasco AND vice versa? They take away each others' kicks - isn't that insane when you think about them? Or is that just me?! I mean, tabasco - OUCH - tequila - OH GOD - and together it's like LE SIGH AMAZING.

So needless to say I enjoy it.

In other news, not having a job or gas or anything to do has led to exercise again. Uh oh.

1, 2, cha cha cha 3, 4, cha cha cha

Tyra Banks was a good model... But she is KILLING me as a talk show host!!! I am sucked in because it is so terrible... It's like you want to look away but you just can't... Who is actually watching this for pleasure??? It is shocking...
Sorry I had to vent that out...

So I am legally divorced today! I text the ex-husband about and asked if he was as excited as I am that we are officially divorced... and his response was: "We are? How does that work? Do I get papers or something?" hahahahaha How can you be THAT clueless???

Hey Meagan! Were you there the day we were asking Cha Cha for Marijuana jokes?! Man that was funny...
(Cha Cha is this free service, when you are too lazy to look something up you text: Chacha or 242242 and ask anything and they will text you the answer... You can even ask opinions... it's fun!)
I just asked Cha Cha: Is Meagan Christy-Towne awesome?
They replied: "ChaCha Crystal Ball says: Yes-definitely"
Good answer!

Ok... there is a McDonald's in Atlanta that has it's own crossing guard... If you want to turn into the parking lot a lady in a florescent vest will walk into this major street and stop EVERYONE, so that you can turn... I feel like that is embarrassing... I also think that it would be better to have that at whole foods or something... It's like you are a road v.i.p. if you want McDonald's... soooo bizarre

This post isn't as funny as I would like it to be... so I shall end it now...

PS. I miss you more than ever!

why are sisters so funny?!

My sister, Amanda, is in NY for a little scholarly work and here is an excerpt from an e-mail I got from her.

"The whole academia thing is like a fried snickers bar. It is repulsive and I want it because who knows, maybe it is totally incredible, and then I kinda feel like I am betraying myself by wanting it, and then actually, I don't really want it. I want a salad. But not a $20 salad!! What the hell is going on with NY?"

She is just as funny to me as Molly. I LOVE ME THE FUNNY LADIES.

Is your refrigerator runing*!?

Meagan-
I can't sleep... So I thought I would tell ya about a practical joke I pulled on my mom 2 days ago... So... I received the following e-mail:

Hey Molls,
Do me a HUGE funny favor. Send mom a text message and say something about running but spell it with one 'n'. Something like... MOM! The toilet at my house stopped runing. How do I get more water in the tank? Or something like that.
Aunt Linda has a note on the toilet in the cabin that says "Please make sure the water isn't runing" and we all keep joking about it. If you spell it wrong it will be hysterical.

(From my sister Kim)

I saw this e-mail at 2am but I decided to text my mom anyway... She is currently vacationing in Idaho and it was only 11pm there... Still too late for a mom text haha. We had the following text conversation:

Me: I need to stop runing!!! My shins are killing me...

Mom: Its hard on your joints too. Why are you up so late?

(hmmm first attempt failed)

Me: Just got off work... Runing late

Mom: Are you outside running?

(2nd failed attempt)

Me: No! Not runing

Mom: Good. I'm at Andrea's. I don't want to be rude. Goodnight babe.

(wtf!?)

Me: I'm making a joke!!! I know how to spell running!

No reply...

The following day I get a text AND voicemail from my sister:

Kim: Ha. Your text were amazing. Mom kept talking about it and reading them. It was great.

Apparently my mom thought I was drunk texting her and that's why I was misspelling it. Anyway... made me laugh...


Point of this story: Its fun to play jokes on your mom!!!

So you think you can text?

Speaking of text message hilarity, which, really, is a form of comedy all its own. It's like the only thing where you can be cracking up like crazy one minute, then totally silent for five minutes and live your life as normal (pay for groceries, continue in another completely unrelated conversation, talk to a blind guy) as you wait for the next response and then you die again. It's like the perfect way to augment fun times. It's tantric humor.

Anyway, speaking of...

Manda: We are watching Melissa [old friend] on TV!!! So you think you can dance is such a good show!

Me: So does she think she can dance?

Manda: I'm gonna be on does your mom think you can dance? everybody wins!!!
Manda: What if the show was not about how good you dance but how much you THINK you can dance?
'So you think you can dance?'
'I think so.'
'I mean, really?'
'Well, yeah, I mean, I really think I can dance.'
'I'm sorry, you just are not making us believe you really think you can dance.'

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA

Manda: It's like they just give speeches...convincing arguments about how much they think they can dance
Manda: I SWEAR I THINK I CAN DANCE? how much do you think you think you think you can dance? A LOT.

Meanwhile I was texting the ex-husband about cell phone plans in the afterlife. Ten cents a call to family and designated chosen ones (ie. ex-lovers and people you want to haunt - aren't those the same thing?), and unlimited texts. He asked "who's your provider?"

"Turns out I was wrong, and Jesus has always been my soul provider."

?!?!?!??!

Textual Healing

Meagan... sometimes I get random text messages... I went through my texts from just the last 2 days and here are some weirdo examples:

"R u in the detroit network on fb??? My creepy friend nick added u & claims u r! Lol he's weird...watch out"--Katrina

"I kind of want to get into soap operas."--Meagan (hahahahahaha)

"Haha I've been following him for a while. I wish he'd just post hot pix of himself"--Lindsay

"Rawr"--MT

"Gulp"--MT

"Will you come pick me up so i can get my car keys that are still in your place...the pines on scott is the name of the apt complex i think. now that im sober, im totally uncomfortable"--Kim L.

"I think you should get food poisoning tomorrow nite!!"--Lindsay

"Fuck me at the show"--Paige


Here is an oldie but goodie... I will never delete this text:

"What is it, some sleeping pill that gives you mad munchies and makes you get up in the middle of the night to zombie-walk to the kitchen to eat chips?!"--Meagan

Anyway... I might have to start saving weird texts and blogging them weekly... I get some really f-ing strange ones... Just you wait hahaha

I got up to pee and Sharky just stole my seat! I moved to the bed... He wins

P.S. I just found out I moved to the lesbian capitol of the south... Score!

ambien!

I want some!!! Can't you mail me a package of cookies that have a bunch of ambien in them, Molly?!?!

I never sleep and last night the thunder shook the house all night. But here's a horrifying story:

I caught one of my blind man's dogs masturbating last week. She had disappeared like she sometimes does (and I never notice), and when I went into blindo's room to get something, there she was on the bed, violently humping the shit out of a pillow. VIOLENTLY. Her head was slightly tucked under her, and she was thrusting, making these sickening breathing sounds. And it totally smelled like dog sex. Wtf.

I actually stopped dead and just stared, wondering what to do. She didn't notice for a few seconds, and when she did, she was VISIBLY EMBARRASSED. She stopped and didn't know what to do with herself. Now I look at her differently.

I fully caught a dog masturbating. FML.

On the ball

I woke up at 2am with an amazing idea... an invention of sorts... I want to make a rubber ball cell phone cover... Perhaps designed to look like a baseball!?! Anyway, you snugly fit your cell phone into this rubber chamber then when you are angry and you want to throw your phone... Well you get it... It's a lovely tool for those (like me) with anger management issues... Throwing your phone no longer becomes a $500 mistake... I need one...bad