If it Rains (Man) I will have Shark infested waters...

I am sitting in my new place anxious as FUCK! My precious little animal arrives tonight!!! Sharky Percival Barrett will be flying Delta from LAX to ATL and he lands at 9:30 this evening... I am trying to keep busy so that the time goes by faster... The vet said to give him children's Benadryl so that he is calm for the plane ride... My dog is on drugs! Ahhh! Needless to say, I cannot wait another fucking second! This is torture...

Random thought: Who the fuck comes up with the concept for the Vagisil commercials?!? Yeah, great idea... Lets have a lady walking through a park looking all happy and then we will have a narrator dubbed in saying how happy she is to not be itching and burning anymore... Gross!

My pal Paige just messaged me on Blackberry messenger: "I'm at the Dr. to get Gardasil shots and they just tried to give me a pap smear. Wtf!?" Then she added: "I have to pee in a cup and get a pregnancy test before I can get my shot... My pee is going to be vodka and a baby. Jesus Christ" hahahahaha I love my friends...

I think I want to hang out with Tom Kruse... No, not Tom Cruise of Top Gun... Tom Kruse creator of the hoveround... Those chairs look fun... I bet if we got a "Few Good Men" we could have a bad ass race with those mechanical wonder chairs... Lets make that mission possible... haha what am I talking about right now!?

Give blindo a smooch for me!

the most action ever...

...that I have gotten in the past eight months has been because my blind guy has forced me to kiss him. Yes. When he gets nostalgic and goopy he wants to hug me goodbye. And sometimes I get that strange feeling that he's going to try and grandpa-kiss me. In an effort to avoid this horribly awkward moment I offer him my cheek, ever so innocently, and dude grabs my fucking face and says "come here" and forces a kiss on my God damn mouth. I am SO SO SO tight-lipped and cringing that he must feel like he is kissing a dead woman. So be it.

Do you know how weird and hard it is for me to try and say to this 81-year-old man that it is terribly inappropriate? I practically throw up wanting to talk about it, because it would making its inappropriate-ness so much more REAL.

I know you already know all this, Molly, since I frantically text you the second it happens, but I wanted to document this horror for posterity, in case he kills me someday cuz I won't kiss him. EW.

God. Damn it.

Cat Stevens is precious...

Meagan! I'm drunk right now!!! I keep writing my drunk thoughts in this sparkly notebook that I purchased at walgreens... Drunk thoughts are meant to stay in your drunk mind... Not on paper with a sparkle cover... This will be an interesting read tomorrow... Perhaps I'll call you tomorrow and read it as a bedtime story... My new place has a lot of space... Maybe when you visit I can pitch a tent in the middle and we can pretend that we are camping! Kumbaya and shit... Miss you!

texting, texting 1, 2, 3

Meagan and my text conversations are usually pretty funny...

Meagan: I am finding myself oddly very attracted to really americanized Asian guys lately

Molly: hahahahahahahahahaha That's the funniest thing I've heard in a while... You may have just gotten me outta my bad mood

Meagan: So far now I've met two who are doctors! and I saw the hottest one ever at the driving range yesterday

Molly: hahahaha. Dude I support it... I mean the small penis thing I have experienced to be true, so check out that situation haha

Meagan: hahahahaha


Hey all you Asian dudes... My pal Meagan needs a date!

mexican treats and wagon trails

My blind guy is going apeshit on a bag of chicharrones and when I turn to look at him he is covered all over on his shirt front with crumbs. I am so oddly curious about this act that I watch as he has his eyes closed and slowly attacks each snack, taking tiny bites (yet each crunch with the sound of a million dying chicharrones, it's like an earthquake in here); he is just so happy with his messy-ass blind self. It is pretty disgusting, seriously.

Also, he has me read to him daily the diaries of people who crossed the wagon trails during the 1850s-1860s, during the Gold Rush, and now I know far too much about it and my throat is sore from reading for hours on end.

Come live with me, Molly. Work with my blind man. It's fun!

I love the internetz

Hahaha, from superpoop.com, which is my ex-husband's, like, FAVORITE photo/caption site and he's always sending me shit:

clicky

haha it's so true!

i tried just inserting the picture but it's too big and i'm too lazy.

Paging Dr. Meagan Towne

This is why I love Meagan so much!  I hope this reads as well as it sounded on my voicemail.  I have transcribed a voicemail message Meagan left me last night.  Enjoy:

Hi, Hello, Its Meagan.  It's the afternoon here umm uhh ohhh eee umm ohh  So I wanted to leave you this message because I knew how terribly badly you just wanted to here my voice.. But I think I'm gonna start bring back the page... I'm gonna start paging people haha  because you know how voicemails are like: (she does a sweet impression of the voicemail lady) to page this person press 5 now... I think I actually want to start paging people because: A. it makes you feel important, like your a doctor and B. its totally annoying... so its like a win win, really, for me. Um anyway... I'm just hanging out at home cause my parents are outta town so I'm having a little party... alone hahaha up here.. cause i don't want any of those fucks coming over... Ya know the people that i hang out with...  But i have a lot of work to do over here at home... So yeah,  I'm gonna be working at home tonight and whenever ya wanna buzz me  haha I will talk to you about this business umm regarding Le Shark.  Ok bye 

Cinco de my my Mayo

I usually do not like celebrating Cinco De Mayo...  I like to do my celebrating on Quatro De Mayo, my half birthday...  But this year I decided to venture out with Cassy for drinks and a show...  Cassy shows up wearing the following:

She said she was dressed like a Mexican.  hahaha  She went for the rock a billy/Morrissey fan type of Mexican...  Not your traditional Cinco De Mayo attire, but Cassy is from Africa so I let it slide...  We did the whole drinking margaritas and eating chips and salsa deal...  fun fun

Towards the end of the night we got in a fight with some douche at the bar over his dumb white shoes.  His pick up line was like, "Hey ladies, I have a question... is it weird that I am wearing white shoes"  Cassy was like, "Yeah, you look like you are trying to be black."  hahaha What!?!  I'm like, "I don't give a fuck about your shoes man..."  He kept on and on about these dumb sneakers...  I was pretty over it.  Then he touched my forehead for some reason...  I don't understand why he would touch me when I was making fun of him!?  So I said if you touch me again I will make your life hell...  Weird thing to say right?  Anyway I pretended to spit on his dumb shoes and we left the bar.  What is the point of that story?  

I have probably consumed 20 mini vegetable crackers while writing this...  

Meagan we should video chat because I miss looking at your face!  hahaha

Give blindo a glass of wine to cure his whine flu!  But don't let him try to kiss you again!!! 

Miss you!!!

Blinded by the light

REVVED UP LIKE A DOUCHE

Molly, my blind guy is KILLIN' ME. Straight, no jokes, KILLING. He doesn't understand anything all of a sudden and he thinks he has the swine flu and I kind of wish I had the fucking swine flu to avoid dealing with his babyman-ness all day. Whine whine whine, get me coffee and a cookie, how come no one likes me, whine. Ugh.

Obviously I am a good person.

this is boring

So. I am totally in the mood for snowy, pretty, steam-engine style Christmas. I'm not terribly into Christmas, been hating on it for two years, but I just saw some nice picture and I totally wanted to be there.

WEIRD. Blindo just got up and left the room to take a phone call - he never does that! Agh! What if he's dying?! Or firing me?! No! UGH!

Things I learned this week:
-I missed smoking weed
-I am not meant to be dating any time soon

Good week!

I need a life. Molly, my parents need to rent out a room in their house. Come live with me! Ha!