thanksambiening

Ambien. Let's talk about it. It rules.

Last night on Thanksgiving I sent out this little gem to family and friends:

subject; happy t-day which actually became d-day but the good kind that you want to happen cuz d stands for dahl

"so yeah just load up everything into the kitchen there and i see a bowl of dahl - these letters on this keyboard are squishy and look to be all connected, don't worry about it let's eat. i brought chana masala sooo spicy good with bazmati rice. the letters are pulling left like we're always at perpetual discharge time of some ridiculous train that has nothing to do with any of this. everything is in order. what have you brought? we have wine oh wine, red. sake's alive he's got red. for a moment i'd felt my teeth improve. these damn letters consume each other? the laptop ship is dancing in these waves, it's a bother. i must end now.

love,
ambien
activity one - CHECK
on to two"

activity two? to write a handwritten letter. i've since transcribed this awesome piece of work for your perusal.

"(copied as exactly as possible)

I'd like to preface this ---

I'd like to take the right direction and have it lead me exactly to here. I see no real reason for any worthless prologue -- take it home and ripp it up as you are wont to do -- no reason. Maybe merely to just give greater offenders who know nothing about me at least a little hint as to who I am waist-deep in my love drug. And it won't stop.

I glance up to eye the mistaken giant dead bird -- in my view an entirely too large bottle of red from Chile. I'm dowm. God I'm so high on Ambien that I see the dead giant bird in front of the double-vision stove tops. And this is all in quiet, save for my nephew's haphazardly gashes as would be his art. These sounds usually don't interfere with the immense imagination that occurs.

Oh man I feel asleep once on a grandparents' bed. I'd broken the faucet right off the wall, attemped an ambien shower. The sweetest are all wrapped up in pre-planned packages -- "Oh come over to ours on Saturday, we'll have a party, alcohol, young people will be there come on it'll be great til you can find a bed - YOU JUST NEED SLEEP--"

Instead it should sound straight undeniably comfortable. Get in your jammies to take Ambien.

my original recording (up there) something about warning has left me now. I need more stimulant. I need to be writing as writing's done. (as the thing is happening)

Ambien is definitely an enabler and an easy way to feeling that out of control, for just a night.

all of this is SHIT.

(then along the left-hand side:)

I am high as fuck. The floor moves! Shadows and colors turn inanimate 2-d things to ALIVE things and I have to help them not get caught.

Ambien is the door to crazy awesome land.

(then on the back - incursive - which had been left blank at first)

why left blank?
I really don't know. still so high my thoughts were on a shitty computer game, where I battled word scrambles but meanwhile my peripheral vision informed me I was not alone. These guys were attackers. How could I not have seen them and here they bashing through. No, you stand and poof everything is gonnne. It's imagination for adults with little to no stimulant.

I can't write HIGH WTF

(the end)"

and I'm just gonna leave it at that. I love ambien.

Stop acting so catty

This is why I prefer dogs... A massive cat with thumbs was trying to cuddle with me...

Before:

After:

I guess it was not cuddling after all... It was hungry and bit my face.

The End

Push, you little asshole

So lately my cats have started being total dicks in the early hours, scratching on my paintings, throwing heavy objects off of high places...this is not new, but they'd been so good for so long that this is really pissing me off again.

The other morning I totally slapped my cat, Bacchus, full on in the face, and it was hard enough that he totally flew off the bed. It was pretty awesome.

This morning, though, he had no reason to be a jerk. He was scratching this painting of my brother-in-law's, and I'd shoot my head up off my pillow every couple seconds to hiss at him and scare him off the nightstand. Over and over and fucking over we did this til finally I got out of bed to chase him. He ran into my closet and I totally blocked the doors shut with my chair.

I found this hilarious this early in the morning, so I watched as he tried to push his way out. First just a little bit of paw, back and forth, in and out, over and over...he didn't understand what was happening. Then my other cat, Dharma, jumped on the chair, further weighing it down, and I was in fits of laughter. Like, seriously, the lack of sleep is making really stupid things hilarious lately.

Dharma eventually bores of trying to snag his paw, and for a minute Bacchus just kept hardly pushing against the chair, paw out, paw in, paw and nose out, back in, two paws out at once, both back...over and over, til finally he kept only getting out as far as his shoulders just to give up and retreat.

Meanwhile, I put on some weird John Hammond voice, you know, the character from Jurassic Park, the guy who started the whole thing...you remember that scene where the baby velociraptor is hatching and Hammond is talking like a fool saying, "Push, come on, come on, that's it, push!"? Yes, well, that's what I was doing, outloud, in my room.

"Push, come on, you little asshole. Push, get out of there, you little fuck. Come on, little asshole."

I don't care if I was verbally abusing Bacchus, I was evening the score. So yes, finally the little moron made it out and jumped back on the bed all purrs and nuzzles and we fell asleep for twenty minutes. IT WAS GOLDEN.

This is my life.

Blame it on the rain

A lightbulb just appeared over my head... It was a headlight bulb. Here is my idea:

You know how you can buy covers for your cellphone that snap on and protect the device from scratches and such? I think it is time they made those for cars! Just a cover (made to fit the different makes and models of cars, just like they do with different phone brands) that snaps on over the car. It would protect your car from scratches, door dings, the occasional keying of cars, etc. When it's time to sell your car you can unsnap the cover and underneath it is spotless! I realize it wont protect you from accidents but that's not the point.

To make it even cooler, you can buy different color and designs for your cover! So I can drive around in a hot pink car with pineapples on it if I wanted to!!! Genius? Maybe? My imagination is running wild today.

It is raining sooo hard in Atlanta. The streets are flooded and their are people canoeing in the Kroq tunnel! I'm not kidding. It's crazy...

Today at Target I purchased Sharky glow in the dark spiderweb pjs! Check him out:

(I don't know why he looks like he is missing an eye hahaha)

Miss you!

--Molly

P.S. Your costume looks eggcellent

my weekend in two pictures!

Ah, yes. Work on Saturday was fun. Frat boys are terrifyingly gross. Duh.

And shooting guns on Sunday! Guns are terrifyingly powerful. Duh.

P.S.

Check out the new video by Meagan's band Chase Long Beach:

Feeling horny and gummy

I would really like a panel on my car steering wheel with different horn options. I was thinking about it the other day... It would be really neat if I had different horn sounds for different scenarios... For instance: Since I was a little girl I always wanted an "uh wooo ga" car horn. My hula instructor told me if I got straight A's in school that year she would purchase me one... I wonder if I can find her now... "uh wooo ga" would be great honk if you are passing a friend on the street and would like to wave hello. Right!?

Anyway, my current car honk is pathetic. It's a beep beep. When someone cuts me off or I need to get over I would very much like my car to sound like a semi-truck: (low pitched) "ERRRRRRRRR". But when I am outside of a pals house to pick them up, wouldn't it be radical if my car did the: "la cucaracha" horn sound. Soooo fun!!!

Perhaps I will look into the cost of such a device.

In other news, I purchased a pack of fruit stripped gum yesterday. It is such a delicious treat for about 1 minute, then it becomes a flavorless nuisance in my mouth... I thought perhaps the temporary tattoos on the gum wrappers would be a redeeming quality. I was wrong in that assumption. I woke up this morning with a blue smudge on my wrist that runs over a vein... It almost appears as my vein is leaking, Not a very high quality tattoo. Thanks, but no thanks Fruit Stripe Gum!

Can't wait 'til you get here!

-Molly