Tucson texts Long Beach

A completely normal text conversation between me and my sister:

Meagan: Tucson is hotter than bigfoot's balls.

Amanda: You would know

M: Only from reading your diaries

A: Which you actually ghost write for me

M: Based on your life story

A: Which I copied after seeing that documentary about you and bigfoot

M: Which I only acted in because I knew you were too shameful to go through that again

A: Which is the story we swore to always tell after you had bigfoot's baby and are keeping in your closet

M: Yes the child that you had asked me please please to be the surrogate mother for because you didn't want jon to know of the bigfoot affair

A: Right, the surrogate/affair situation we concocted and convinced you of through intense long-term hypnotherapy. Weird that you still remember his balls tho

M: You've created something so elaborate. Oh if only you hadn't done all that acid in the woods, when you met bigfoot, you'd remember the truth.

A: I do remember when you were eating all those shrums and running away with bigfoot you kept telling me I was "trippin" ... Sad, really

M: I only ate the shrooms to escape the last image I had of you taking bigfoot's hand and singing reunited with him

A: I can totally imagine you wanting to take the edge off your paranoid schizophrenic hallucinations that include visualizing yourself 3rd person, looking like me...

ten minutes later...

A: I have to study for my sociology final, bigfoot lover

Blogging Molly

First things first... I am in southern Ca and Meagan is not. That is a big ol' FAIL!

With that said... I drove down to see my family this weekend for my grandma's 86th birthday. My sister and her fiance (Leigh) are also in town. These are the weekend highlights:

Day 1: Kim, Leigh and I had some drinks while we waited for my folks to get home. We planned on creating a dance routine for my grandma's birthday (inspired by a Cosby Show episode) but we were sidetrack by this addictive urban twist on the electric slide called the cupid shuffle. My mom came home and we poured her some wine and taught her the cupid shuffle. Leigh video taped us while we embarrassed ourselves. Dad got home late from his softball game. When he arrived home we sat him down in the living room and proceeded to do a family dance for him (drink in hand). What!? This is not normal family behavior.

Things began to get a bit weird. Just as the alcohol began to impair our judgement, karaoke was mentioned. We discovered that the neighborhood mexican restaurant/bar had karaoke! We immediately headed over. The bar was filled with young drunk folks singing Kid Rock songs. Fast forward a few drinks later... my entire family was on the stage performing "Date Rape" by sublime. Really!? Yeah... it was crazy. Mom, Dad, Leigh, Kim, me, and some strange dude we met at the bar... all sharing the stage to sing the controversial song. (this was after my sister's future husband did a surprise performance of "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy" by Rod Stewart). I was given a bouquet of flowers at the bar from a "secret admirer" who was supposed to reveal himself later... He never did. We used a rose to give to a lady that did an exceptionally good performances of a Scorpions song.

Day 2: Grandma decides she wants to go to the Indian Casino for her birthday. (Meagan, I looked for the antique roadshow slot to play for you... but I could not find one) The funniest part of the day was when Leigh, Kim and I decided to play blackjack. We selected a table that was empty. After we sit down, we noticed our blackjack dealer was CRYING!!! She was sniffling and wiping her eyes. Awkwarddddd. We didn't want to get up and leave because it would be rude. Leigh tried to cheer her up. When he would ask her a question, she would reply with a sad sniffle voice and pouty face. To make matters worse/awesome all three of us won money from her.

It is now day 3... Nothing crazy has happened yet but I still have another hour before I head home.

Miss you, Meagan!

Oh and I forgot to add that my sister invited Obama to her wedding... He cannot make it but he sent a card wishing them their best from him and Michelle.

Party City, USA

Meagan is sitting next to me right this second...

I will pull pranks on her. I am currently calling her... She is so confused. I am listed in her phone as: Molly Fuck Security.

Last night we rocked out to jams such as: Kiss by a Rose by Seal, This is how we do it by Montell Jordan, Peaches and Cream by 112, The End of the Road by Boys II Men, and You Can Call Me Al by Paul Simon (throwing in a little flava).

Now she is creating her own crossword puzzle for her boyfriend while her band watches Half Baked.

I will stare at her until she notices... it took aprox twelve seconds for her to notice (I counted in my head).

This is what bffs do while on the same coast/state/ROOM!

THE END

So ready to dice

Molly. You're gone in a faraway land and have left me in California AGAIN. This makes us dual-continent BFFs. Transatlantic BFFs. Transoceanic BFFs if you wanna get "Lost" about it, which, you know I'm down...except for this latest episode...which you probably haven't seen, since you've been roaming around Rome and spinning through Spain or some other gay-ish alliterate word with Spain. This makes us worldwide BFFs. Multi-cultural BFFs. Once again, we've only established that we're better at being best friends no matter the mileage between us than the best of 'em. Better than the Best BFFs.

I'm so ready to leave southern California soon, so when you get back, I'm planning a weekend escape.

In other news, I've planted a telephone tapping device on my blind man's phone - at his request, no I am not bugging my own blind boss...wtf would I do that for?? - and this is my job. I doubt seriously that I am really developing any real life skills so much as just learning how to be PATIENT AS FUCK for hours a day. I've grown skillful at participating fully in conversations at the same time as reading facebook updates, silly cartoons, NPR articles...

I have actually decided that I'm going to start a booze project at work. It's simple: drink at work. He won't see the bottles, and I won't be drinking hard stuff for him to sniff out. But I think being buzzed all day is far better than not.

COME BACK FROM EUROPE. SEE WHAT HAPPENS TO ME?

Project Mysterio part deux

I found this pictures of my pals and I waiting for the paperboy ninja and I thought I should post them. The pics were taken 8 years ago, crazy!

Enjoy!

Project: Cute

I have decided to finally post pictures on a project I undertook in December. I built a bear out of wood. Allow me to illustrate.

Here we see the bear as he existed in paper form. This is just regular copier paper taped together. My model. I had this dream of making such a creature...and the bottom of his body would have a rectangular hole cut into it, through which a cable could be run. The original idea was to make this bear an iPhone or iPod dock for charging. Rad, right? I thought so, but it turned out I didn't have the time for that, but it can easily be done.

Next I began to draw the shapes onto a couple pieces of 1/4" wood.


I used this fun saw to make all the cuts.







Next I began to glue the finished pieces together, after I'd sanded them and beveled them off to fit together "correctly." They definitely did not match the measurements right so I decided it would be an art-wrong project. Those are his two legs standing up and the clamp is holding an arm in place while drying.
Here's a look at what the bottom of his body, four sides, and connecting sides looked like pre-gluing. I liked it. Nothing fit together right, as pretty as it looks. I don't care, though.
I Used mis-matched buttons for extra cuteness for his eyes, and layered pieces of the wood for density on his nose, arms and legs. Here his head is drying to the top of his body. It is so cute. Look at his fucking cute ears.
Here his body is starting to take shape in my messy workspace. You want one of these. I know.
On his backside, I cut old pieces of canvas curtain and made faux-stitching because I'm a big fan of it. Stitching wood? What is cuter than that?
I even put felt on the bottom of his feet because felt is adorable!


And here he is as a finished, glued and dried product, complete with hinges and doorknob on his belly, arms swinging and legs offset in swagger fashion. Hell yeah, bear. I call him "Robert," pronounced in the French manner: "robear." Fuck yeah, French. Cute.















And here, with his belly door open. I love him.
The end.

Lost in Illinois, The Cone Game

It is not a solo project, ahem, Molly. I am just retarded. It's that simple!

I am sitting in Effingham, Illinois. Effingham. If you pronounce like the the British pronounce their -ham cities, you are definitely saying "effing 'em" and I like that. Eff 'em in Effingham. I ate munch at the Steak n' Shake, who makes the skinniest french fries I've ever seen and I loved them.

And I watched Lost. So of course I am happy-ish.

So far this tour has been nothing along the lines of rad. I have drank much less than ever before, have smoked slightly less cigarettes, and have eaten much crap. Also the shows are sucking. Who cares, it's freezing outside and our bus has no heat, what am I complaining about? Two weeks left.

So Molly had her ProjectMysterio. We had nothing much of mystery in high school or after. I am jealous of your fun. The only stupid thing that lasted long enough that I was involved in, was the stealing and housing of construction site items. Mostly we stole cones, but graduated to sandwich board road blocks (with blinking lights for extra points), blueprints left at construction sites (big find at my high school, when they were remodeling - of course this was years after graduation) and really any other city property easily jacked. We were to keep them at our own houses and tabulate points based on the item and from where it was nabbed.

I remember when finally one day my mom opened the side gate of our house to discover a massive pile of cones and other road objects sitting there. It was indeed a bad afternoon. I lost the contest, needless to say.

I believe a summit needs to occur between the Molly and the Meagan. Soon enough.